With the First Pick: Mel "The Vampire" Kiper

Those familiar with the authors of TCS are often surprised that more sports-related materials are not discussed in its pages. "What? The biggest Chicago sports fans I know don't blog about Chicago sports? I am confused and outraged."

So to you, the three out of our six total readers, we offer up a quick little post on the upcoming NFL draft. It's been brought to our attention that Mel Kiper, Jr., ESPN's draft expert extraordinaire, looks exactly like a vampire. And you know what? We totally agree.


Not just that, but we've made a little observation of our own. That's right, we've noticed that this man looks directly related to the character of Clem from that timeless gem of a film: Joe Dirt. Observe the hair.


So this April 25th, when you're kicking back watching each selection go by exactly as Mel predicted, just realize that some vampires can see the future.

Peace out homeboys and girls,

Mike + Tapan

It's just as much myinal as it is urinal

Ladies in the house, say yeah. And then realize that it’s going to be difficult for you to relate to the rest of this blog post. To our male readers, this piece is in regards to a place we hold, and mark, as private--the public restroom.

To those unaware, there is a set of unspoken rules that hold true in the men’s room. Here are a few: 1) If all the urinals are available, pick the one furthest from the door. 2) If there are people using some urinals, try to make it a rule of thumb to have at least a urinal's-worth of separation between yourself and someone else. 3) If every other urinal is in use, and you’re not in any rush to get anywhere, wait for one to free up.

Now, I don’t remember being taught any of these rules by my father, elder brother, or any friends, and I don’t think many of you have ever been formally educated on the matter either – it’s just something we know. These rules may seem superficially homophobic, but I assure you, that is not the driving force.

The ideas of privacy and comfort reign supreme for American men. As a man, I would like to pee as privately as possible in a movie theater without having to become a “stall guy,” which is another issue unto itself. Rituals such as timing the duration and properly aiming the projectile become jeopardized when another person is right next to you hindering your confidence.

Anyway I say all this because I’ve discovered something. Middle-aged white men, mostly those 50 and above, have this feeling that they can only use a urinal if they’re standing two feet away from it.

I mean what the hell.

There’s no feeling of seclusion here at all anymore, it’s an open calling card for creepiness. They’re no different than the guy who looks over your shoulder when you’re typing an e-mail, other than that they have their cock out simultaneously. Think about that – e-mail guy having his dick out.

So I beg you, middle-aged white man, Especially at Union Station, take those two steps closer to the white porcelain receptacle, not just so you can feel more comfortable, but literally for the good of your fellow man.

Once this issue is resolved we can tackle the equally heinous crime of the dudes who spit in the urinal when they’re done. What the fuck, guy.

Take it easy homeblows,

Tapan

p.s. Good luck to ye mighty b-hawks and b-ulls

The Verdict

As a writing team, we've come to a decision in regards to the Binghamton job opportunity.

The feedback we received from our readers resulted in a 50/50 split. Considering this, and the impact it would have on our family, friends, and prospective careers, we've decided...that we April Fools'd you pretty good.

Later bitches,

Tapan + Mike

Faces for Radio, Or: We're Ugly

Listeners, we have news.

Okay, so, unbeknownst to our fan base, one week ago, Tapan received a Facebook message from a friend of his (big ups Alyssa) whose dad read this blog and wanted to talk to us. Alright, that's cool. We didn't know what it was about, but what the hell, let's talk to the guy.

So he emails us, and as it turns out, he works at Binghamton University, and he'd like to speak to us about an "opportunity."

Basically what the guy, Mr. Christopher Sherman (probably esquire), told us was that he liked our writing style and wanted to see if it would translate to radio.

This is where you fine folks come in. He's asked us to visit the campus for an interview this summer. Essentially, the meeting would just be to do a couple of radio test spots and introduce us to the WHRW-FM 90.5 crew. Based on that, he would decide whether or not to extend an offer.

The general idea of the show would be in the likeness of PTI. We mention this because Tony Kornheiser is of Binghamton University fame, and Mr. Sherman is a huge fan of their program. We were told that sports would not be our main focus, but instead we'd be riffing about news topics, and occasionally invite guests to the program.


So to you, the loyal readers of The Chicago Sometimes, we ask this. Do you think we should consider the interview/job opportunity? It would require transfers on both our parts, but it could open a few doors. Maybe Wilbon would drop by. Wilbon!

If anyone feels like helping us out with the decision, here are a couple of links to the school's general website and the station's: http://www2.binghamton.edu/, http://www.whrwfm.org/

We'll be mulling this over for a couple weeks, so in the meantime, let us know why we would or would not be successful as radio talk show hosts (i.e., whether or not we should be taking this seriously).

Go Bearcats!
Tapan + Mike

F--- You Willis Group Holdings

The following post is written expressing both authors’ opinions.

--------------------------------------------

There is no time for a metaphoric introduction here, as the urgency of the message takes priority over all else.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have awful news. The Sears Tower is set to be officially renamed The Willis Tower during the summer of 2009.

News that when heard, caused one co-author to literally storm out of a building of academic learning, and proceed to lay a profanity laced rant upon any bystanders. The other was at a total and complete loss for words. If you or any part of you is from Chicago, both reactions were not only acceptable, but justified.

This is an outrage beyond outrages. The Sears Tower is the single most iconic association to the legendary city of Chicago, Illinois. People the world over see the monument as a symbol of all that rises from this great town. To take an image of such greatness and defile it is more than a total act of disrespect, it is downright criminal.

""Having our name associated with Chicago's most iconic structure underscores our commitment to this great city, and recognizes Chicago's importance as a major financial hub and international business center," said Joseph Plumeri, chairman of Willis Group Holdings."

The Willis Group, hear us now. We do not give a mother fuck about your “commitment” to this great city. If you were at all committed, you would have some sort of admiration for its inhabitants. This is the equivalent of us coming to your fine city and changing one of your most historic landmarks to the Allstate Bridge. You want that? Huh? HUH? Not even Geico. That’s how little we think of you on this darkest of days.

The root of this problem lies in the age old premise of envy. Specifically, tower envy. Yeah, you’ve got Big Ben. First of all, you would feel exactly as we do right now if the name were changed to Big Asshole. But that aside, “big” Ben stands at 316 feet tall in the city of London. The Sears Tower is 1,450 feet tall. It’s almost five times as tall. You know what this is? It’s the Willis Group finding no other resort but to take 35 figurative Extenze in hope of more respect. That shit doesn’t work, no matter what washed up porn star is trying to convince you of it.

Chicago will not be robbed of this, and to everyone reading this blog, join us in preserving the identity of this monument by only referring to it as The Sears Tower for the rest of your lives, the lives of your children, and your children’s children.

In closing,

The Chicago Sometimes

Sloan Me Some Love

Alright, this post is not to give outrageously useful life advice (see: previous, then freak out at how much I just blew your mind). It is not to tell you about what dog to bet on in the eight race – for the record, Run Dixie Run SUCKS. This post is a statement of fact.

Sloan McQuewick is the most perfect damn woman to ever grace the Earth with her goddess-like presence.

And I know what some of you are saying. “Tapan, she’s not real.” Or “Tapan, even if she was real, you’d never have a shot with her.”

To you I say “You sons of bitches! I wish you the worst and hope you never experience real love, be it from your wife, husband, or children. Never talk to me again you assdick!”

With that out of the way, for those of you who are unaware, Sloan is a character played by the fine-as-hell Emmanuelle Chriqui on the kickass HBO show Entourage. To be perfectly clear with the fact that I’m stating, I am not in love with Emmanuelle – I’m sure she’s a swell gal – but I have incurably fallen for Sloan.

This is the kind of love where at any given moment in my life, be it tomorrow (please whatever God in heaven there is, let it be tomorrow), or 25 years into my marriage, if Sloan walked into the room and said “Tapan, I’m finally here,” I would end my marriage right then and there and walk out the door with her. For those of you who think that’s too drastic, my wife was kind of a bitch anyway, and if my kids can’t understand my decision, I screwed up raising them.

Let’s get into the details of my fact. What does Sloan bring to the table that would make a (straight, non pedophilic) priest tell Jesus himself that he’s hanging it up? I think a list is in order.

1)      So. God. Damn. Hot. This woman can make anything, from the most elegant of night gowns to a wife beater and sweat pants look like the greatest conquests in fashion history. She just pulls it off.

2)      She is so damn nice. There is hardly a situation that she’s in where she doesn’t make you feel happy to be breathing the morning air. But don’t get me wrong, she can be coy, witty, and playful in appropriate circumstances.

3)      She is so damn rich. Now normally, this would be a higher priority for my financial well being – as many of you know, my life dreams center around the fact that I can marry wealthy. But you shouldn’t feel bad, because it’s not Sloan’s money, it’s her dad Terrence’s, and he’s a pretty big douchebag.

4)      She is so damn accessible. If fucking E, a guy who chooses to go by one letter professionally, can land this fox, so can I. Get it? I.

Alright, now I know many of you out there are in agreement with this statement, and as a further piece of proof, I leave you with the following website. http://thatssofetch.com/2008/08/top-10-tvmovie-characters-you-would-most-like-to-date/

Let us all pray on a daily basis that someday this dream will become a reality, and the fact will have personal resonance.

Take it easy homies,

Tapan

Return to Which Mountain?

So I was sitting in this chair smoking a pipe when I saw a commercial for a movie about some kids who ride in the back of the car while The Rock drives them somewhere and makes faces. First I thought, wow. Those kids are so lucky. But then one of them said something about being an alien and they copied that thing Hancock did where he stood in front of a train, and I nearly dropped my pipe onto the floor.

I was disgusted. These days, the media will have you believe anything. Sure, kids can be aliens. They can stand in front of cars and explode them and not get hurt. Do you know how many children are going to be run over when this movie comes out? While the media would have you believe otherwise, the simple truth of the matter is that the youth of today are not aliens, even though, like aliens, they are jerks. Try a little accountability on for size, media.

And all this is without even mentioning the egregious Hancock ripoff. He was different because he was a superhero and superheroes can do that, but what kind of message are we sending our kids here? There's only one Hancock, guys.

Come on media, you're not fooling anyone.

And that's another thing - the media is playing us all like so many fiddles. Do they think I'm stupid? Yeah right, Katie Couric. Whatever you say, and so forth. Like I'm listening anyways - I've got a bun in the oven, a baby in my vagina, and I'm trying to finish this 30-pack before my night shift. Can't a girl get some "me" time?

It's like, no matter how hard I try, someone's always waiting there, telling me I have a "drinking problem". Well you know what? Maybe I do have a drinking problem, but has that stopped me from achieving my goals? Clearly, it has not.

This brings me to my next and final point: if this country is ever going to beat China, we have to stop confusing people with movies about alien kids and come together under one mantra, under one common goal. That goal is: beat China. As drums and fifes start playing "Yankee Doodle", citizens of all colors and creeds must unite with determined looks on their faces and march in slow motion in front of the American flag. Each and every one of us must put red, white, and blue "Beat China" ribbons on the backs of our cars, for ribbons truly speak louder than words. The media must stop using their powers to confuse and anger me, and must instead use their powers to spew nationalist propaganda from purple mountain majesties to... fields of... wheat or something. Anyways, we must all do what we do best: drive muscle cars, wear cowboy boots, and eat chili on top of spaghetti noodles. This is our chance, America. Let's not fuck up.

Yours in Christ,
Mike