Sloan Me Some Love

Alright, this post is not to give outrageously useful life advice (see: previous, then freak out at how much I just blew your mind). It is not to tell you about what dog to bet on in the eight race – for the record, Run Dixie Run SUCKS. This post is a statement of fact.

Sloan McQuewick is the most perfect damn woman to ever grace the Earth with her goddess-like presence.

And I know what some of you are saying. “Tapan, she’s not real.” Or “Tapan, even if she was real, you’d never have a shot with her.”

To you I say “You sons of bitches! I wish you the worst and hope you never experience real love, be it from your wife, husband, or children. Never talk to me again you assdick!”

With that out of the way, for those of you who are unaware, Sloan is a character played by the fine-as-hell Emmanuelle Chriqui on the kickass HBO show Entourage. To be perfectly clear with the fact that I’m stating, I am not in love with Emmanuelle – I’m sure she’s a swell gal – but I have incurably fallen for Sloan.

This is the kind of love where at any given moment in my life, be it tomorrow (please whatever God in heaven there is, let it be tomorrow), or 25 years into my marriage, if Sloan walked into the room and said “Tapan, I’m finally here,” I would end my marriage right then and there and walk out the door with her. For those of you who think that’s too drastic, my wife was kind of a bitch anyway, and if my kids can’t understand my decision, I screwed up raising them.

Let’s get into the details of my fact. What does Sloan bring to the table that would make a (straight, non pedophilic) priest tell Jesus himself that he’s hanging it up? I think a list is in order.

1)      So. God. Damn. Hot. This woman can make anything, from the most elegant of night gowns to a wife beater and sweat pants look like the greatest conquests in fashion history. She just pulls it off.

2)      She is so damn nice. There is hardly a situation that she’s in where she doesn’t make you feel happy to be breathing the morning air. But don’t get me wrong, she can be coy, witty, and playful in appropriate circumstances.

3)      She is so damn rich. Now normally, this would be a higher priority for my financial well being – as many of you know, my life dreams center around the fact that I can marry wealthy. But you shouldn’t feel bad, because it’s not Sloan’s money, it’s her dad Terrence’s, and he’s a pretty big douchebag.

4)      She is so damn accessible. If fucking E, a guy who chooses to go by one letter professionally, can land this fox, so can I. Get it? I.

Alright, now I know many of you out there are in agreement with this statement, and as a further piece of proof, I leave you with the following website. http://thatssofetch.com/2008/08/top-10-tvmovie-characters-you-would-most-like-to-date/

Let us all pray on a daily basis that someday this dream will become a reality, and the fact will have personal resonance.

Take it easy homies,

Tapan

Turn that sucker, and make your friends feel like one

I think I'm on to something here.

I think I've perfected the procedure to prominently let a person know your pessimism about p-something.

Let's use an example here. A friend of yours is particularly proud - alright, alright I'll stop with the p-ing - of an object that they made sitting on their couch one lazy sunday afternoon, while reliving all those seasons of Ally McBeal. Some sort of invention, let's say a double straw, where one end allows you to take in milk, and the other which allows cocoa puffs to freely travel up towards ingestion. Brilliant, I know. (At this point for those of you concerned, no I did not successfully make this magical creation, but that doesn't mean I'll stop trying).

At any rate, unfortunately for your friend, you happen to be very mad at them for something they did last night - it just isn't cool to ask out someone's mom, unless she's particularly attractive and promises to pay for popcorn and even gets you Buncha Crunch at the movies. So you look at them, and internally you are aware that the double straw is the greatest innovation in the history of cereal technology (take that Cereal Straws!), but you can not, under any circumstances let your friend know that you approve, and more importantly let them think that all is forgiven, seriously... she's your mom.

So what do you do?

Well my spiteful friends, you've come to the right place for advice on how to make others feel bad.

Here is the secret to acting disgusted towards any hand held object. First, you make the face, the nose scrunching, eyebrows down-turned, half frown face. Then, you grab the object in a very specific way. Only pick up the object by your index finger and thumb. This is key because it makes any item appear worthless. And now, the piece de resistance. Holding the item in the manner that you are, stare at it, and then slowly turn your wrist.

Boom.

Turning your wrist will make your friend think you hate the object so much that not only will they apologize for their actions, but go on to shower you with love, and more importantly, money.

Try it out if you don't believe me. Just pick up anything close by your computers or web enabled mobile devices in the exact indicated manner and finish it off with the wrist turn. You'll freak.

To those of you who have plans to do this today, happy hatings, and if you would be so kind, share your experience with the amazing success of my method.

Take it easy you crazy B's,
Tapan Jones