Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Seventh Sense: Neo Without a Cause

Sometimes I think to myself, "Why, God?" But then a kitten walks by and I have to go pet it because they're just so cute when they're little! And other times, mostly when I'm petting the kittens, I think, "Why, God, did you make these kittens so irresistible?" But this is such a stupid question. I think it's pretty obvious that God made kittens cute because if they weren't cute, no one would house and feed them and they would all die, because if there's one thing a kitten is bad at, it's bloodsport. Can you imagine a kitten in Running Man? Maybe it could hide for a while in one of the dumpsters or something because it's real little, but there's no way it would ever successfully run to its freedom without being stomped by Buzzsaw. He's great.

This inevitably gets me thinking about a lot of things, because let's face it, I'm a thinker. Like the statue, I'm always curled up in this position, just thinking and thinking until my head darn near explodes. In addition to being a thinker, I also watch lots of movies. I like The Matrix, and I like M. Night Shylamalam's work, and Jimmy Dean is pretty much my favorite actor (and sausage). Those guys make me think.

Anyways, during one of those thinking sessions, I got to thinking about my favorite movie, The Matrix. If you've never seen it, it's about this man named Neo who is actually a robot, but he doesn't know it yet. Neo's just living his life, riding motorcycles and knife-fighting, when all of a sudden he meets a little boy. The boy claims that he can see robots, and I guess no one else can see them or something. So Neo and the boy become fast friends (it's kinda creepy in a molestation sort of way) , except there's one catch: the boy and this black dude are competing for Neo's attention, and the black dude wants him to take some pills. Neo's kinda standoffish about the whole thing, like "Why should I do what you tell me?" and he storms out of the house with the boy and they ride his motorcycle into the sunset.

So at that point you're thinking, wow, that Neo is pretty rebellious. But then, once Neo and the boy run out of gas, the boy drops a bomb and he goes "Neo, you're a robot." So Neo drops to his knees and he's all "NOOOOOO!" and the camera zooms out real dramatic to show that Neo's in a desert by himself. Then he runs away back to the black dude and leaves the boy who betrayed him in the dust, like a total conformist. Then Neo goes, "I understand now," and he takes the blue pill, I think, or maybe the red. I don't think it matters because it's obvious that the black dude just wants to get Neo hooked, either way. Then out of nowhere Neo goes on this big-ass trip with dojos and all these green numbers all over the place and he thinks he can fly. It's obvious that he's really high. And then I fell asleep but at the end of the movie he flies away wearing this big cape, which must mean that he's like a super-upgraded robot now or something.

Anyways, I think it's pretty obvious that the moral of The Matrix is that really, in your life, who can you trust? If you can't trust innocent young boys, and you can't trust drug dealers, then really, what's the point?

Yours in Christ,

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Mirror, Mirror on the Facebook Wall

As autumn’s leaves prepare to blanket our roads, and the days begin to cool, the authors of the blog are reminded of something Mark Twain once said: “fuckin’ summer’s gone.”

That’s right folks. Fuckin’ summer’s gone.

But let us not dwell on the passing of this season, because it has been the first to expose a certain phenomenon previously unknown to billions. With the Facebook Empire being used to stay in touch with old friends, shamelessly promote blog posts, and to create mini-farms of meaningless 32 bit carrots, our love affair with the website has revealed a new concern of catastrophic proportions. The following is truth:

Girls are a lot better looking on Facebook than we remember them being in real life.

I mean, really. She did not used to be hot. You mean to tell me in the three years that we’ve been going to different schools that all the women I knew suddenly decided it was time to put on really fashionable clothes and take 45 degree angle pictures of themselves from 3 feet away? This appears to be the case.

This initial jolt of surprise sure to come to any male, ages little bro to mid-life crisis, is not pure. You see, it is a trick. These women have not in fact become supermodels – they have learned to use technology to their advantage.

Allow me to explain.

There are three factors that have led to this “computahotness,” (term patent pending). The first is directly caused by Facebook. The option to de-tag pictures has created a process we’re calling “technological selection.” By only allowing friends and cohorts to view pictures that show one in a favorable light, one creates a mental image totally built on a partial truth. It’s like going to Dunkin’ Donuts and seeing a chocolate sprinkled donut from the side, making the purchase, and then realizing the other side is actually coconut. Ew.

The second such issue has been previously mentioned. A wise man – that’s you K Kwon – once told an author of this blog, “Hmm… I don’t know. Seems like she knows what angles she looks good at.” Taking this observation under consideration, the authors found that many girls do in fact take many, many pictures from THE EXACT same angle. Like the sweet spot on a baseball bat, they’ve figured out the exact trigonometric requirements that present them in the hottest lies. Outrageous!

Finally, women are appearing more attractive on the internets for a reason that has nothing to do with us fellas. Did you know that all women hate each other? That shit is the truth. They may have friends with whom they get along famously, but there’s a deep, underlying Melrose Place thing going on (I’m assuming--who the hell remembers what happened on Melrose Place? But damnit all if there’s going to be a Gossip Girl reference on the Sometimes). As it turns out, women are engaged in a civil gender war in which they don’t want to leak any compromising information to the enemy. They stay protected by presenting themselves favorably in pictures on the internet and in person at box socials. Again, this shit is the truth. This is the first reporting The Chicago Sometimes has ever done, so we’re not going to risk it on a lie.

So there you have it. The next time you see the picture of a 6 looking like a solid 8.3, just remember, there’s a good chance of hijinx taking place – And that 7 8 9.

Poke you later kiddies,
Tapan Jones