Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Bible: This Summer, Say. Your. Prayers.

So the other day I was sitting around my bedchambers reading a Sonic the Hedgehog comic book. Sonic and Tails were spinning their body parts really fast and rolling around on the ground, so it was a pretty good episode. Then, my grandma sent me an email whose subject line was "Weird Walking Cow," so obviously I opened it. That's right up my alley. It was a picture of a cow that was walking weird, so I was pretty satisfied with that day overall and I went to bed.

In bed, though, I got to thinking. How was God smart enough to make spinning hedgehogs and helicoptering foxes and weird-walking cows all on the same day? That would take me at least three days minimum. God must be at least three times smarter than me, and that's saying something. Later, I got to thinking about how God totally flooded the entire Earth when He got pissed, when the best I can do is flood my own bathroom, and that's never on purpose. All in all, I thought, God is a lot cooler than me.

The next day, my grandma sent me an email whose subject line was "Just Saying Hello," and inside it had pictures of cats hugging and rabbits saying hello to one another. I feel like God did that kind of thing for Adam and Eve all the time, always checking in on them and sending them emails with pictures of animal companions and whatnot. I learned in a class once that I should never bury the lede, and I'm sure God could tell me what that meant because He must know everything if He can make cats hug each other one minute and murder the first-born son of every Egyptian the next.

In a lot of ways, God is just like Bruce Willis. Sometimes, He's more Harry Stamper from Armageddon--the devoted father willing to take one for Earth. Other times, He goes into McClane mode and explodes entire cities that tick him off. Still other times, when he's in his Jesus form, he's a lot like Dr. Malcolm Crowe because he has unfinished business beyond the grave. And finally, sometimes you're a little confused about God, like you are about Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski. He says nice things and seems charming as hell, but then something like the Crusades happens and all of a sudden Richard the Lion-Hearted is Matthew Perry, and who needs friends in a holy war.

Anyways, all that IMDB'ing took quite a long time. I needed to process everything, so I took a leisurely tea and toast in the drawing room and weighed my options. I finally realized what I'd been missing all along, the most important thought I've ever had: the Bible would be the greatest action movie of all time.

And on the 8th day, God KICKED ASS!!1

If you've never read the Bible, let me set it up for you here. Starring God in Act 1 and Jesus in Act 2, the Bible follows the story of one lonely diety out to prove the universe wrong. He believes that biological life can handle the gift of rational thought; a gift that he's all too ready to bestow upon it. With a dream in his heart and hope in his eyes, God creates Adam and Eve, the first rational animals. With his loving guidance, Adam and Eve will procreate and populate the world with friends to keep God company. But wait. Eve eats an apple, humans fall from grace, and God. Is. Pissed.

The Bible, starring Bruce Willis as God, Jean Claude Van Damme as Jesus, Lucy Lawless as Mary Magdalene, and Keanu Reeves as Satan (also featuring Jackie Chan as Moses, Carl Weathers as Abraham, and Chris Tucker as Detective James Carter), is the greatest story ever told. Equal parts love tale, explosive thriller, and raucous buddy film, it follows the story of God's vicious vengeance on humankind, and the only man who can stop it: Jesus. With his busty lady at his side, Jesus teams up with Moses and Abraham to win God's love back, one high-speed dune buggy chase at a time. The trio travels far and wide, spreading God's word with their insane ATV jumps and feats of strength. Finally, God is appeased. But Jesus' work isn't over yet, because Satan just showed up to town, and he's casually upset I think.

Jesus: He's got the girl, he's got the tools, and now he's got the Big Man on his side.

It's the original Old West Side showdown in the Old East. Jesus, Moses, and Abraham facing off against Satan and his legion of the damned:

Only Officer Krupke can stop this!

Yes, that is Van Damme in black face as Jesus (it's true), Carl Weathers in white face as Abraham (Lincoln), and Jackie Chan in old face as Moses (disguised as Ronald Reagan).

The war rages up and down the Holy Land, and many minions on both sides go down one-by-one, despite having their target surrounded on all sides. Many people walk away in slow motion while fuel tankers explode in the road behind them. Many pistols run out of bullets at precisely the wrong time.

Abraham and Jesus both tear their shirts off in contempt of Satan's poor acting. Rondo slaps Moses in the face and draws blood but still the refs don't call it. The tides are turning in Satan's favor: The Good Guys should have known. Satan and his legion were too powerful, too vile, and stroking far too many cats on their laps. It was going to take a superhuman, a God, to beat Satan. That's where God comes in.

Late one night, when Jesus, Moses, and Abraham are praying before battle the next day, God answers. He descends the escalator to Heaven, but he won't walk the steps, which is annoying. Anyways, God outfits each prophet with his secret weapon: a lightsaber. The next day, Satan's forces are slashed to pieces and forced to retreat back to Hell. Cornered into a dark room and badly injured, Satan says, "Jesus, I am your father."

"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world," Jesus says, "...of pain" (I John 4:4). With that, he slices Satan's head off, holds it above his own, and screams the sweet scream of victory.

Anyways, I think that would be a sweet movie.

Yours in Christ,

Monday, April 12, 2010

Sometimes: You Gotta Roll The Dys

At this point in the year, whatever snow may fall will be sure to get the Raiders of the Lost Ark Nazi treatment by our old friend Mister Sun. With this in mind, people are free to leave the homes that protected them so in search of a more recreational life. Baseballs will be caught, pools will be swam in, and double scoop ice cream will seem like a rational idea again. Yes, it's true, the habitable Chicago months are almost here.

Life, circa tomorrow.

As many of us know, this kind of nice weather typically gives way to wheeled transport. People know that the ground now has a high enough coefficient of friction to support a lifestyle free of just walking and running. Take yourselves back to those PBS documentaries of the 90s. You know, the ones with the men and women bravely wearing striped white-and-red tank tops, roller blading in a park, riding their bikes through a forest, and driving their Cabriolets with reckless abandon, all while up-tempo half piano/half synth music serves as the score. There's no denying, this is a pretty great life.

Yet amidst all the wheeled tomfoolery, let us not forget our year round, chair bound brethren.

Sometimers, the wheelchair users of the world have sat idly by for too long - not even given the opportunity to twiddle their thumbs because their hands are too busy literally gripping the silver lining of their lives. To this I say, it's time for us to get inventive.

Too long has wheel chair technology been manual labor. Sure, some of you will say that we have electric wheelchairs with the joystick that makes the user feel like they're in the worst video game of all time. I agree, this is a step up, but the time has come for change. The real issue here? The wheelchair structure.

My crack team of English associates spent hours and hours laboring over what to do with this, when it finally dawned on us. Let's steal another Englishman's work!

I introduce to you: The Dyson Ball Wheelchair

(.....hold for iPad-like Apple-ause)....(good)

Oooooh. Ahhhhh. Eeeeee.

In the tradition of Imagineers worldwide, let me continue stealing from Dyson, by posting their description for their ball vacuum:

"The new Dyson upright machines ride on a ball so they turn on a dime - no more back and forth around corners and obstacles. Inside the ball is the motor, giving the machine a lower center of gravity and improving maneuverability even further."

Honestly, who in the hell would have thought that description wasn't for wheelchair technology?

Having seen the mock ups, let me tell you a little about what's hidden inside the ball that makes this chair so special. We're talking about a .57 L Hemi engine. If those truck commercials have taught me anything, it's that my walking replacement device will sell if I say the word Hemi.

Now some of you current chair owners might be thinking that the idea of filling your vehicle with gasoline is not only inconvenient, but downright dangerous, and you would be right to think that. Come on, what do you take me for, some kind of monster? But yes, you'll need to have some gas in there, you know, for that Hemi. Don't worry though, our machine gets 150 miles to the gallon, so you're good forever.

For all you Marvin the Martians out there (think Green) there will also be a battery powered, generator based model. Be forewarned, you will lose street cred among your peers.

This is it people, the future of what I want to start calling "wheeling." Can you imagine the joy you would feel not only seeing someone take a leaning right turn into the wide doors of a library, but in fact how sweet it would be to do it yourself?

That's right! Now the wheelchair-laden aren't the only ones who get to have all the fun. I see the Dyson-Jones Wheelchair (DJW) being as much of a recreational/convenient/versatile piece of art as WD-40 - which, incidentally, I'm sure is a staple in the wheelchair market.

The DJW would open up a new chapter in the storied history of wheelchair athletics. Street races, basketball, and curling would now become even more bad ass. This is something we can actualize, and perhaps even create an entirely separate Olympics around. How original of an idea is that!

The 200-meter dash just became a reality.

Together, we can all achieve a future a filled with yellow balls of which we are not scared to tell our significant others, but rather proud of.

And don't worry, the ad campaign will prominently revolve around the 2001 chart topper Roll Out (My Business).

Keep it wheel,
Tapan Jones

P.S. - Also, we have a new game for you guys. In all of our illustrations, the initials "TG," for our acclaimed illustrator Thomas Glass, Jr., will be hidden somewhere. If you can find them, post your answers in the comments. Jonescrest, out.