Saturday, June 19, 2010

The Subcontinental Sandwich

People say a lot of things about sleep. They talk about how it's for the weak, how 8 hours is ideal, and even how Santa knows about when it's happening. Yes, the land over yawnder has been thoroughly discussed among human-folk.

From early childhood, your parents prepped your sleep schedule so that you could catch the early morning yellow rocket to school, and also because they didn't want you staying up too late watching the latest tales of romance and intrigue on Cinemax. They did it for your own good. You simply weren't mature enough to understand the nuances of a performance in Julie & Julia & Juan: Jest Get it On.

These actions made it so that you would be able to function in a normal society, where 9-5 reigns supreme. Or at least, that's what we were led to believe.

You see, the real reason we've all had to get up early our whole lives was because our parents were grooming us. For what, you ask? The 6:30 AM World Cup 2010 matches. Duh!

As of the 21st of June, all you South Koreans, Greeks, Algerians, Slovenians, Dutch, Danish, New Zealanders, Slovakians, Hondurans, Chileans, Argentinians, Serbians, Germans, Japanese, Paraguayans, Portuguese, and North Koreans know what I'm talking about.

I don't know about the rest of you, but for nearly two weeks now, my alarm clock has been set to Vuvuzela. What's more fun than watching football the second you wake up? Eating ice cream while watching football the second you wake up, that's what.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Aldrin

In all these matches, though, beyond the sheer talent of the players, the Chinese women's Olympic caliber diving, and hot foreign broads, there is something I've noticed.

Brazil's attire. For those of you new to the beautiful game, Brazil is known for their bright yellow jerseys - which, incidentally, is the color that they turn all of their opponents shorts into by the end of a game. These jerseys are reflective not only of sunlight, but also the attitude the nation has for playing the sport with energy, smiles, and stamina. And probably also for hiding pit stains. No one wants those.

But anyway, there's a green trim around the collar, the end of the short sleeves, and the bottom of the shirt. Having never seen a world cup in HD, I had always missed out on the crispness of the colors. I thought to myself, in this order, "crispness of colors. green trim. crisp green. lettuce....hey wait a minute!"

And there it was. Brazil's jerseys are totally using Subway's color scheme.

Don't you see? The energy, the smiles, the incredible fitness level. All the signs point to 5 dollar footballs.

The resemblance to Jared is striking

Soccer clubs around the world are known for slapping endorsements all over their players' unis, and it's not something you ever see internationally. So Jared had to go above and beyond, and play his cards close to his depleted grilled chicken breasts in order to pull off the greatest subliminal ad of all time.

This isn't such a bad thing, though. Without any sort of secret urging at the hands of the Patels that run America's Subway and Dunkin' industry, let me say, that Subway is pretty great stuff, and as far as fast food goes, we could all do a lot worse to our doubled down bodies.

So the next time you're watching Joga Bonita hard at play, go ahead and enjoy a Subway sandwich. It's not like you're supporting B.P.'s colors or anything.

Tapan Jones

p.s. Yep, we know Ronaldinho isn't on the squad, but surely, the man must eat. I mean look at those chompers.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Y, O, Y Q-Tips?

For the first time in nearly 3 years, last Thursday, I went for a swim. The water was warm, and the old Chinese ladies at the Bally's pool mostly kept to themselves. They did make fun of my crotch air bubble at one point, but I doggy paddled it off.

The reason I bring up my trip under water is because of the effect it had on the rest of my weekend. For nearly 3 straight days I was handicapped. For the record, I would have parked in those extra cushy spots, but the government didn't process my rear view tags quickly enough. That's bureaucracy for you.

My time in the pool had caused me to go completely left-ear deaf. As a result, I couldn't hear my driver ask me "where to Sir?", nor could I make my usual lefty calls when I didn't think something warranted a righty call.

On the advice of several non-medical professionals, I tried to fix this problem by: creating a plunger with my palm over my ear and forcing the water out, tugging on my earlobe for 20 seconds, and even spending the entire day with my head tilted to the left so that, and I quote, "gravity would take over."

Finally I decided to consult Dr. Internet, and this is when my disability turned to frustration and rage.

The only concrete, consistent advice I could find was: DO NOT USE A Q-TIP!!! It will push the earwax back even further into your ear!!

Here I ask the question that's been on a lot of our minds for a while. What the fuck is a Q-Tip actually good for?

Our whole lives we've been told that this ear canal-sized, dual cotton-edged, mini saber should never be inserted into our auditory receptors. That it would cause a tear in our ear drums, which most of us visualize as such:

Bruised and broken...from this ear on collision

As far as the Q-tip is concerned, I have no idea how to use it. If I use it as a wiping tool, it'll leave little cotton bits everywhere. If I use it as a .... I've honestly already run out of ideas. There's nothing that it's good for, except to be doused in after shave so I can clean out my old Nintendo cartridges. It does a good job of letting me play Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! again, but it's nothing that a t-shirt and a lot of my breath couldn't do.

That band-aid on the knee? Rug burn, caused by imitating Contra

So am I telling you that the only "allowed" use for Q-tips is to clean NES games? Well unless you can come up with something else, then yes, yes I am.

I'm sure the makers of Q-Tips are sitting in their back rooms, laughing, hearing with full capacity because they've never used their own product. To them, and to the rest of you, I say, either come up with a better use, or just go ahead and put the fuckin' thing in your ear. There's nothing that's going to top that convenience.

Ya heard?
Tapan Jones

p.s. comment on some other Q-tip uses, plskthx!