Sunday, February 22, 2015

Fireside Gchats: An Act of Dog

In today's edition of "Fireside Gchats," the Sometimes gang is inspired by the annual tradition of ranking art as "Best," known as the Oscars. What happens when three authorities on the matter weigh in creatively, while sending a high volume of image links back and forth? Let's star wipe and find out.


Tapan Jones:
unrelated, what color do you want me to paint your coffin
i was going to go with powder blue with racing flames

mike b:
i would like this one please
The KISS of death
just prop my body up next to it with some shades on
i'll be holding a little butler tray and people can grab a tall, cool budweiser from me

Afterlife of the party

Tapan Jones:
Shade back

mike b:
that movie is fucking funny
i don't care what nobody says

Tapan Jones:
i'm going to make a really serious drama
Weekend at Bernice [Readers: a link to the official homepage of Bernice, Lousiana]

mike b:
how much gator wrestling will there be in the movie
and 2) how will you get enough fat actors

Tapan Jones:
none, meryl streep demanded as much
2) i'm going to use a technology pioneered in The Klumps

mike b:
dude look at the third picture down on that page lolol
it's just an out of focus picture of a shitty dog track

Tapan Jones:
that's going to be a symbol of chasing failed dreams
in my film

mike b:
hey, there's an idea
who does meryl streep play

Tapan Jones:
and it will end with, "i'm just doggone tired, walter. i'm just dog-gone-tired"
and it'll be clear meryl was talking about the hole in her heart when the family dog, jefferson, ran away

mike b:
jesus christ

Tapan Jones:
see answer to question 2 above. in order to really embrace the teachings of the auteur eddie murphy, she'll have to play everyone
it'll make the sex scene...interesting

mike b:
your movie
is meryl streep
in fat suits
playing a greyhound trainer + every other person in the movie
and it's called Weekend at Bernice

"This awards season, experience a chilling look at the ruff life of small town Louisiana"

Tapan Jones:
i know, i know, i might as well call it "oscar lock"
the hardest part will be working in the line
from her body builder brother, who will be representing the city in small time competitions

mike b:
just to be clear, meryl streep is playing a male body builder

Tapan Jones:
he'll have to say, somehow naturally, "once they get a look at these Bernice Pythons (points to biceps), they'll have to send me to nationals"

mike b:
wait a minute
Bernice is pronounced burr nice?

Tapan Jones:
of course not

mike b:
why does he call them Bernice Pythons
burmese pythons?

Tapan Jones:
that's the clever writing
it's where you learn that he paid attention in geography class
which is a key plot point, because it shows a transition period in his life between being locked in to just bernice and thinking about the rest of the world
i know sometimes writing this highbrow can isolate viewers
but it's for the good of art
you can't spell Greatness without using the same letters in the word "Art"
remember that, mike. in your writing, and in life
also, remember how i told you everything exists on the internet
you're going to want to ready yourself
So dedicated to method, she even grew out her hair

mike b:
is that meryl streep's face

Tapan Jones:
she just disappears into her roles
that's what she sent me when i asked if she was willing to tackle this role
i swear, that woman is so committed to her craft, she wanted to play the dog
Talent is the leasht of her worries

mike b:
[Readers: Mike finally inserts a delayed, but relevant, link. By the time of this post, YouTube took down the video altogether. What a fun parallel]
that took for fucking ever, i hope you appreaciate it

Tapan Jones:
good research, but i found a god damned picture of a dog in meryl streep's acting chair
that is an all-time relevant link

mike b:

Tapan Jones:
so the KISS coffin, then?

mike b:
Alternate title: Being Glibya

Tapan Jones:
(solid link, but timing is important to relevance)

mike b:
yeah the kiss one

Tapan Jones:
i can't wait to put you in the ground