Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Gate Depression

Oh boy, time to peel back the 'ol tarmac, that was a bit of a delay. Before getting into today's post, it's probably best to explain where the Sometimes has been for the last month.

As some of you are aware, this blog is like your paycheck. Every two weeks you get something you can take to the bank. About a fortnight ago, we had written a post introducing a new writer by the moniker of DJ Garbage. The post smashed a record here at the office, as it was only on the blog for a total of 19 hours.

What happened to said post?

We can't really get into the details, but someone out there was not too happy with what was written, and as professional courtesy, we took it down. We're not in the business of hurting feelings. Well, at least DJ Garbage isn't.

With that said, let us all giggle like school girls because this is the first time a stranger on the internet found us! Weee.


My mom is a big believer in fences. She says they make good neighbors. Personally, I don't see how something you can't have sex with fills the prerequisites. I mean, isn't that why people in the 50s were so happy? They were always "getting sugar."

This has become somewhat of an issue on the home-front (get it?) because the two other inhabiting members of the Jones residence are not in favor of the idea. If something is going to be wrapped around my house, it would either have to be equipped in Bloons Tower Defense fashion, or be a moat, because I mean, come on.

No human is a match for my monk-de-fence

The issue has become "fencegate." Which is actually what I wanted to bring up, so that worked out perfectly.

I really, really hate how anything that happens in the news gets the word "gate" added as a suffix to the actual issue.

Antennagate. Spygate. Kanyegate. Lionsgate. (Okay that last one just completed the foursome, but you understand my point.)

What the hell is this about? What happened to the creativity and pun based humor of printed news? There is no requirement for one word references to popular stories. If I were to say Tiger Woods, people are going to think about his rock star-like exploits and his politician-like morals. It doesn't need to be called "Tigergate," which I'm sure he would've left just a crack open anyway.

Tiger's new app: the iFuckedUp (click to enlarge!)

I've always taken great pride in the titles of these posts. It brought me a sense of satisfaction knowing that I'd come up with a stupid little phrase to reflect the nonsense about to follow.

Here, let's take the aforementioned stories and come up with better titles:
1) Antennagate: The story of the antenna on the iPhone 4 having a big time structural problem if held in one's left hand. The story could have been called "Make The Right Call."

2) Spygate: The story of current New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick spying on the practices of opponents in order to gain a competitive advantage. The story could have been called "The 'Chick Next Door"

3) Kanyegate: The story of stuntastic rap star Kanye West grabbing Taylor Swift's microphone during an award acceptance speech to tell her that she was not as good as the all-time Single Lady. The story could have been called "The Kwest for Manners"

See? It really isn't that difficult.

So to you professionals in the reporting arena, I beg you to realize that the Watergate hotel was the name of an actual location. The issue was never about water. Don't you see how your printing press forefathers were actually doing something creative in naming that story?

Now, let's all be good neighbors and kick these gates down. But not you Bill. I still love you.

Doooon't fence me in,
Tapan Jones