Return to Which Mountain?

So I was sitting in this chair smoking a pipe when I saw a commercial for a movie about some kids who ride in the back of the car while The Rock drives them somewhere and makes faces. First I thought, wow. Those kids are so lucky. But then one of them said something about being an alien and they copied that thing Hancock did where he stood in front of a train, and I nearly dropped my pipe onto the floor.

I was disgusted. These days, the media will have you believe anything. Sure, kids can be aliens. They can stand in front of cars and explode them and not get hurt. Do you know how many children are going to be run over when this movie comes out? While the media would have you believe otherwise, the simple truth of the matter is that the youth of today are not aliens, even though, like aliens, they are jerks. Try a little accountability on for size, media.

And all this is without even mentioning the egregious Hancock ripoff. He was different because he was a superhero and superheroes can do that, but what kind of message are we sending our kids here? There's only one Hancock, guys.

Come on media, you're not fooling anyone.

And that's another thing - the media is playing us all like so many fiddles. Do they think I'm stupid? Yeah right, Katie Couric. Whatever you say, and so forth. Like I'm listening anyways - I've got a bun in the oven, a baby in my vagina, and I'm trying to finish this 30-pack before my night shift. Can't a girl get some "me" time?

It's like, no matter how hard I try, someone's always waiting there, telling me I have a "drinking problem". Well you know what? Maybe I do have a drinking problem, but has that stopped me from achieving my goals? Clearly, it has not.

This brings me to my next and final point: if this country is ever going to beat China, we have to stop confusing people with movies about alien kids and come together under one mantra, under one common goal. That goal is: beat China. As drums and fifes start playing "Yankee Doodle", citizens of all colors and creeds must unite with determined looks on their faces and march in slow motion in front of the American flag. Each and every one of us must put red, white, and blue "Beat China" ribbons on the backs of our cars, for ribbons truly speak louder than words. The media must stop using their powers to confuse and anger me, and must instead use their powers to spew nationalist propaganda from purple mountain majesties to... fields of... wheat or something. Anyways, we must all do what we do best: drive muscle cars, wear cowboy boots, and eat chili on top of spaghetti noodles. This is our chance, America. Let's not fuck up.

Yours in Christ,
Mike