Sloan Me Some Love

Alright, this post is not to give outrageously useful life advice (see: previous, then freak out at how much I just blew your mind). It is not to tell you about what dog to bet on in the eight race – for the record, Run Dixie Run SUCKS. This post is a statement of fact.

Sloan McQuewick is the most perfect damn woman to ever grace the Earth with her goddess-like presence.

And I know what some of you are saying. “Tapan, she’s not real.” Or “Tapan, even if she was real, you’d never have a shot with her.”

To you I say “You sons of bitches! I wish you the worst and hope you never experience real love, be it from your wife, husband, or children. Never talk to me again you assdick!”

With that out of the way, for those of you who are unaware, Sloan is a character played by the fine-as-hell Emmanuelle Chriqui on the kickass HBO show Entourage. To be perfectly clear with the fact that I’m stating, I am not in love with Emmanuelle – I’m sure she’s a swell gal – but I have incurably fallen for Sloan.

This is the kind of love where at any given moment in my life, be it tomorrow (please whatever God in heaven there is, let it be tomorrow), or 25 years into my marriage, if Sloan walked into the room and said “Tapan, I’m finally here,” I would end my marriage right then and there and walk out the door with her. For those of you who think that’s too drastic, my wife was kind of a bitch anyway, and if my kids can’t understand my decision, I screwed up raising them.

Let’s get into the details of my fact. What does Sloan bring to the table that would make a (straight, non pedophilic) priest tell Jesus himself that he’s hanging it up? I think a list is in order.

1)      So. God. Damn. Hot. This woman can make anything, from the most elegant of night gowns to a wife beater and sweat pants look like the greatest conquests in fashion history. She just pulls it off.

2)      She is so damn nice. There is hardly a situation that she’s in where she doesn’t make you feel happy to be breathing the morning air. But don’t get me wrong, she can be coy, witty, and playful in appropriate circumstances.

3)      She is so damn rich. Now normally, this would be a higher priority for my financial well being – as many of you know, my life dreams center around the fact that I can marry wealthy. But you shouldn’t feel bad, because it’s not Sloan’s money, it’s her dad Terrence’s, and he’s a pretty big douchebag.

4)      She is so damn accessible. If fucking E, a guy who chooses to go by one letter professionally, can land this fox, so can I. Get it? I.

Alright, now I know many of you out there are in agreement with this statement, and as a further piece of proof, I leave you with the following website. http://thatssofetch.com/2008/08/top-10-tvmovie-characters-you-would-most-like-to-date/

Let us all pray on a daily basis that someday this dream will become a reality, and the fact will have personal resonance.

Take it easy homies,

Tapan