F--- You Willis Group Holdings

The following post is written expressing both authors’ opinions.

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There is no time for a metaphoric introduction here, as the urgency of the message takes priority over all else.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have awful news. The Sears Tower is set to be officially renamed The Willis Tower during the summer of 2009.

News that when heard, caused one co-author to literally storm out of a building of academic learning, and proceed to lay a profanity laced rant upon any bystanders. The other was at a total and complete loss for words. If you or any part of you is from Chicago, both reactions were not only acceptable, but justified.

This is an outrage beyond outrages. The Sears Tower is the single most iconic association to the legendary city of Chicago, Illinois. People the world over see the monument as a symbol of all that rises from this great town. To take an image of such greatness and defile it is more than a total act of disrespect, it is downright criminal.

""Having our name associated with Chicago's most iconic structure underscores our commitment to this great city, and recognizes Chicago's importance as a major financial hub and international business center," said Joseph Plumeri, chairman of Willis Group Holdings."

The Willis Group, hear us now. We do not give a mother fuck about your “commitment” to this great city. If you were at all committed, you would have some sort of admiration for its inhabitants. This is the equivalent of us coming to your fine city and changing one of your most historic landmarks to the Allstate Bridge. You want that? Huh? HUH? Not even Geico. That’s how little we think of you on this darkest of days.

The root of this problem lies in the age old premise of envy. Specifically, tower envy. Yeah, you’ve got Big Ben. First of all, you would feel exactly as we do right now if the name were changed to Big Asshole. But that aside, “big” Ben stands at 316 feet tall in the city of London. The Sears Tower is 1,450 feet tall. It’s almost five times as tall. You know what this is? It’s the Willis Group finding no other resort but to take 35 figurative Extenze in hope of more respect. That shit doesn’t work, no matter what washed up porn star is trying to convince you of it.

Chicago will not be robbed of this, and to everyone reading this blog, join us in preserving the identity of this monument by only referring to it as The Sears Tower for the rest of your lives, the lives of your children, and your children’s children.

In closing,

The Chicago Sometimes