Friday, June 5, 2009

超 級 愉 快 的 意 想 不 到 blog 崗 位

Super Happy Fantastic Blog Post!!

Asia is a pretty big place, and it’s the band that gave us the timeless classic “Heat of the Moment.” You know, “it was the heeeeeeeeeeat of the moment.”

Anyway, Asian people have been on the mind lately. In my constant efforts to observe the Asian people - see: weird British hunter following the Geico gecko – I think I may have stumbled across a few universal truths. Sure, the three things I’ve found can be argued, but if you want to argue them, go to hell. I don’t have the time. My Asian brethren have taught me the newly invented (probably Japanese) technique of efficiency. Hai!

Alright, time for the truths three. At this point, loyalists are probably asking themselves, “What, already? This whole damn blog is fluff and he’s already cutting to the chase? What a hack.” Be calm my friends, tai chi it out for a second and then come back to read these.


Number 1) You always see Asian girls dating all types of guys, but you barely ever see an Asian guy with anyone besides an Asian girl.

This observation falls under the square-rectangle category. We’re led to believe a couple things right off the bat. For one, to all the male readers, your dreams of one day hooking up with that fine Asian girl that draws Pokémon (still!) can be actualized, just be persistent and remember that they probably like guys with red hats with a white front and a green L on it. Not to be too specific or anything. But the other thing this observation hints at is the following: most Asian guys are bona fide Oedipus-following racists. Well probably not to that degree, but I tried to be dramatic enough that you’d be forced to read this sentence. But to continue, they’ve seen the successes of their forefathers and how bad ass every single one of their mothers is at cooking shit up in a matter of seconds, and they refuse to lower the bar for the white girl whose idea of authentic meals must involve a phone call to Kentucky Grilled Chicken. So to that I say, Asian guys, either lower your standards, or white girls up your game and figure lo-mein the fuck out.

Number 2) The Japanese don’t have a sufficient general knowledge of insects.

I can understand how this observation might bug you. (hold for laughter….)(….) and go. But look, it’s simple logic. The Japanese went all crazy during WW2 right? They were all about stirring things up and screaming banzai at the top of their lungs. They were so crazy that they figured they’d coin a term for the legitimate strategy of suicide bombing shit with their fighter pilots. However, if they knew what the average 3rd grader does, it would have been so much clearer that said term should have been “Kamikabee.” Fuckin, bees have been doing that shit since their existence, sting and die. Get with the program.

Number 3) EVERY single Asian male owns at least 1 shirt that just says the word ADIDAS and nothing else.

This one is so true I don’t have to back it up with photo evidence.


And on that note, let it be known that the authors of this blog love our Asians, and are saying so to save ourselves from the eventual Chinese take-over of the world.

So to part using something only Asians would understand,

No QQ guys, gg,

Tapan and Mike