Mirror, Mirror on the Facebook Wall

As autumn’s leaves prepare to blanket our roads, and the days begin to cool, the authors of the blog are reminded of something Mark Twain once said: “fuckin’ summer’s gone.”

That’s right folks. Fuckin’ summer’s gone.

But let us not dwell on the passing of this season, because it has been the first to expose a certain phenomenon previously unknown to billions. With the Facebook Empire being used to stay in touch with old friends, shamelessly promote blog posts, and to create mini-farms of meaningless 32 bit carrots, our love affair with the website has revealed a new concern of catastrophic proportions. The following is truth:

Girls are a lot better looking on Facebook than we remember them being in real life.

I mean, really. She did not used to be hot. You mean to tell me in the three years that we’ve been going to different schools that all the women I knew suddenly decided it was time to put on really fashionable clothes and take 45 degree angle pictures of themselves from 3 feet away? This appears to be the case.

This initial jolt of surprise sure to come to any male, ages little bro to mid-life crisis, is not pure. You see, it is a trick. These women have not in fact become supermodels – they have learned to use technology to their advantage.

Allow me to explain.

There are three factors that have led to this “computahotness,” (term patent pending). The first is directly caused by Facebook. The option to de-tag pictures has created a process we’re calling “technological selection.” By only allowing friends and cohorts to view pictures that show one in a favorable light, one creates a mental image totally built on a partial truth. It’s like going to Dunkin’ Donuts and seeing a chocolate sprinkled donut from the side, making the purchase, and then realizing the other side is actually coconut. Ew.

The second such issue has been previously mentioned. A wise man – that’s you K Kwon – once told an author of this blog, “Hmm… I don’t know. Seems like she knows what angles she looks good at.” Taking this observation under consideration, the authors found that many girls do in fact take many, many pictures from THE EXACT same angle. Like the sweet spot on a baseball bat, they’ve figured out the exact trigonometric requirements that present them in the hottest lies. Outrageous!

Finally, women are appearing more attractive on the internets for a reason that has nothing to do with us fellas. Did you know that all women hate each other? That shit is the truth. They may have friends with whom they get along famously, but there’s a deep, underlying Melrose Place thing going on (I’m assuming--who the hell remembers what happened on Melrose Place? But damnit all if there’s going to be a Gossip Girl reference on the Sometimes). As it turns out, women are engaged in a civil gender war in which they don’t want to leak any compromising information to the enemy. They stay protected by presenting themselves favorably in pictures on the internet and in person at box socials. Again, this shit is the truth. This is the first reporting The Chicago Sometimes has ever done, so we’re not going to risk it on a lie.

So there you have it. The next time you see the picture of a 6 looking like a solid 8.3, just remember, there’s a good chance of hijinx taking place – And that 7 8 9.

Poke you later kiddies,
Tapan Jones