But here's the catch: these pieces of salmon egg sushi, crab sushi, tuna sushi, octopus sushi, and wasabi operate out of a donut shop that their best friend, Ben, owns. If ever there was a delicious combo, it was sushi and donuts. Why don't any of the characters actually look like sushi? Why is the octopus wearing an eye patch?If I cut random pages out of a dictionary, threw them in a hat, let my dog shit in the hat, pulled out the five shittiest pages, blindfolded myself, and pointed to 22 random words, those 22 words combined into a sentence couldn't possibly make a worse concept for a show than "Four pieces of sushi and a wad of wasabi jolted to life--doing what's right to protect the citizens of Wharf City!"
Childrens' shows today are an insult to children. Back in what I believe to be the Golden Age of childrens' programming, shows like: Ren and Stimpy, the Rugrats, Recess, Hey Arnold, and Doug presided over our hearts and minds with a now-legendary style and grace. In an effort to show just how horrible kids' shows are these days, I'm pitting what I believe to be the worst of the worst from my day against their analogous (and actually popular) shows of today. Guess who wins.
Gullah Gullah Island vs. The Backyardigans
Gullah Gullah Island starred some inexplicably Jamaican folk living on an island off the coast of South Carolina. It indoctrinated me and, presumably, the tens of twenties of other kids who watched it, into the stereotype that all people living on islands are Jamaican. Don't remember it? There was also a giant, talking, yellow frog named Binyah Binyah that they kept locked out in the backyard because seriously, IT'S A GIANT, TALKING FROG. If I wasn't seven years old in 1995, I would've been scared out of my fucking mind of that show.
However, this thing called "The Backyardigans" might be worse. My premilinary research indicates that the show is about some kids who may or may not be dinosaurs having pseudo-adventures fueled by "imagination power" in their shared backyard. Aside from the fact that it stars communist dinosaurs who are clearly huffing glue, this show sucks because the names of the kids are Pablo, Tyrone, Uniqua, Tasha, and Austin. Uniqua? That name insults me both as a black man and as an individual. I hold this show singularly responsible for the recent rash of horrible baby names like Skylar and Taryn and Jaden.
ADVANTAGE: Gullah Gullah Island
My Little Pony vs. Horseland
Now I wasn't the type of kid that ever watched My Little Pony, but I know that several of my female colleagues enjoyed the show. That's what they tell me. I've never seen it. However, I do know that there were like a million of those little toy ponies with the hair that you could comb into almost any style you could dream up in your horribly confused five-year-old mind. Actually, I'm not sure those were My Little Ponies.
In any case, that pony in the background is surfing on a fucking rainbow. It's gonna be hard to top that, Horseland. Plus, this pony in the foreground is clearly willing to do almost anything for money. Awesome.Horseland, on the other hand, is a show geared toward your serious business 7-year-old pony enthusiast. It's on KEWLopolis, and it sucks. Normal kids' shows feature crazy adventures and outlandish situations and characters, but Horseland stars a bunch of waspy bitches going to a ranch, riding horses, and enterting them into competitions. If I'm gonna waste my valuable Saturday morning watching cartoons, I'd watch crime-fighting sushi over Country Club 101 one hundred times out of one hundred and one.
Advantage: My Little PonyAs you can see, the shows from my era won 2-0. This proves, without a doubt, that every kids' show made after 2000 is terrible. I rest my case.
Love,
Mike
just take your foot in your hand, that means hurry up! don't miss the good things that we've planned. SO GOOD. gullah gullah, binyah, binyah!
ReplyDeleteyes your right I feel like becoming a cartoon artist so I can make a show that has the creativity and lovability of our generation's cartoons and not this garbage that they are broadcasting to ouir younger siblings and family members. Altough not all shows after the 2000s were bad more like after 2005 or so .. Like Invader Zim, The Fairly Odd Parents, and jimmy neutron were good and you forgot afraid of the dark and the Ahh!!real monsters and the angry beavers as well as bobbys world
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