The Gold-less Standard

I spend a lot of my life thinking about class. Not the kind where I have daily assignments and get beaten by nuns for stepping out of line, but the other kind - like Mad Men. I've never actually seen an episode of the show, but from what I gather, it's about a bunch of outrageously well dressed men with a penchant for bedding Plain Janes who look like they're gathering around the 'ole black-and-white to watch the moon landing.

It's tough to compete with the coolness that cigarettes, top shelf beverages, well parted and groomed hair, and dashing designer suits on your shoulders can bring. As the 3 wiZZe men once put it, "cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man."

That line of thought got me thinkin'. Gentlemen, what happened to us? We used to be able to stare ladies down into an unparalleled seduction. They used to hurl their chastity belts, then giant boxer like briefs, and eventually classy underpants at our well shaved and chiseled jaw lines. It's time for us to get back to our roots!

Let's take a look at the story arc of a gangster's wardrobe. At the turn of the century, they ushered in an era of Mobster that existed well into the 1950s. Suits were worn to every major business summit And just because. Cool suits. Bowler hat cool. It was acceptable to have a cane with you, even if you didn't suffer a lower back ailment. Those were the days, gents.

"Tell 'em not to mess with The Sometimes Boys"

Nowadays it's all sweat suits and wife beaters. Actually, I bet the guy who named it the wife beater is responsible for this decline in style. You're telling me that during an active exchange with his marriage partner that he would say, "Hold on. Just one second. I have to slip into something more comfortable"? Any wife on the planet would have beat his ass on his way over to the walk in closet - and deservedly so. I bet it was called the wife beatme, but he just wanted to seem like a hard ass to his friends.

So the sweat suits lead to a lack of showering, and eventually unnecessary accessorizing. I don't think I've ever met anybody, from any culture, at any age, at any point in time, that was wearing a gold chain who I felt I trusted.

Figure 19.70: The Transformation

The gold chain just screams a lack of taste with an emphasis on looking really greasy. You wear them because you think you're putting on a little shine for the females, but it simply doesn't go with anything. It's as out of place of the Smirnoff Ice in your hand and the toothpick behind your ear.

Where's that leave us? Gentlemen, for the biological benefit of our gender, I am issuing a call to arms....and legs, and anywhere else you wear clothing.

I'm not saying go out and buy fancy gear for all 24 hours in your day. Alls I'm saying is for your next time out, iron your shirt, give yourself a decent grooming, perhaps even manscaping, and rock clothes that make it look like you're a better dresser than Uncle Jeb from Alabama, whose 20th marriage anniversary to his wife/sister/daughter is coming up next month. (Get him something nice). That's all.

It'll be like working out. A renewed sense of self confidence and swagger will come over you like a fine summer breeze. And the women will notice. Oh my, will they notice. The irony of the situation, in fact, will lie at how much faster they want to take those very clothes off.

Follow this advice, and live a happier life. Unless of course we want to turn into this, then go for it:

Double Sexy, All the Way

Stay (so) fresh and (so) clean, clean,

Tapan Jones