Type-cast: What Your Internet Voice Says About You

Close your eyes. No wait, that's not going to work. Keep your eyes open, but imagine you've never heard my voice. Now, audio-lize that this is Barry White typing.

Hmmm, how you doin' darling? You damn sure know I can't get enough of yo' love, don't you baby? Here...I poured you a nice glass of red wine. I've got some dark chocolate for you, too.

Hey! Wake up! Ladies, and many of you gentlemen, trust me, I know how sexy Bar just made those last few sentences sound. Many of you will have to take a couple seconds to throw those pants back on before you keep reading. I'll wait.

...Ready? Okay. Now, what was the point of that little exercise? Was it just to show how powerful the voice of the black man can be? Well, that's the point of most of my exercises, but not this time. You see, the voice of text can be very deceptive.

In my decade and change of using the interwebs, I've gathered some cautionary tales of the type, and compiled some rules of the wrote. Let's dig in.

There was one time in my life when I played wingman for a friend. He was going on a date with a girl and it just so happened she was bringing an extra lady. On our way over, I'd asked him how they had met and if she was cute. His response was simply that, "she types like a hot girl." (Nerd!).

I looked over at him confused, only for a moment, before replying with a "sweet!" I learned my lesson that fateful sophomore day.

As it turns out, you should never take anyone at their written word.

The girl was not the cutest, and neither was her friend. We all watched 2Fast 2Furious hoping it would end none 2Soon. On our way out, it became very clear that they had not expected us to look the way we did, either. The awkward evening ended with a "Well...I'll AIM you sometime."

Vin Diesel would never have stood for a buffer seat

You see, the way we type has a drastic impact on how we're perceived. Side note: if you think this has already gotten too judgmental, you should probably stop reading, but if you do that beware...you've already been judged.

I've met plenty of girls in real life that lose a lot of credibility when they switch over to different mediums of communication. I don't care if you're a stinking rich Rhodes Scholar with the world's greatest ass, if you type with "u" instead of "you" and put 15 exclamation points and question marks after everything, sprinkled with hearts, we're just fundamentally a bit different. You're still really good looking, though.

Many of you are thinking that it's outrageous to demand that the perfect girl be more perfect, but the fact of the matter is I know there will be times when we won't be able to speak face to face and will have to text, e-mail, or Facebook one another. In that eventuality, I'd rather not start cringing.

Now I don't want to be sexist and say only women are guilty of this, because it's just not true. Many men....many, many, many men....commit similar crimes. The exclamation points are the most common occurrence between both genders. Men, however, often combine this with a needless sprinkling of capital letters. I've never seen said men literally scream at people when talking to them in person, so I have no idea what carried over online.

Inner monologue: "I hope she likes me!"

Also, while we're in the keyboard realm, let me just clarify something. Smiley faces should be used only on special occasions. A few years ago, guys realized that anytime a girl sent them a smiley, or if they were lucky enough, a winking face, in a text that it meant they were on the verge of closing the deal. In their brilliant rebuttal, they decided to do exactly the same, but way too often. Have you ever noticed that a smiley face requires you to hold down the shift key? That's a sign from the computer Gods that this will take extra effort, and therefore should be reserved, and conservatively used.

It's important to note, however, that Internet voices do have positive aspects. For instance, I've never seen anyone have low virtual self esteem. When someone's fingers are placed at "asdf-jkl;", they feel a sense of confidence in the lack of proximity with whom they are speaking. Words come out weeks earlier than if they were being said in person. That guy or girl you have a crush on? They love the fact that you type with so much purpose, sometimes even ending your sentences with a period -- just to show how f'in serious you are.

BuffStuff2k3: That's right...A whole book.

You'll also find shy people coming out of their shell. While they may be completely silent in reality, their written words are as commanding as Keen, showing others that they're total badasses after all. (2 of you will get that joke...hopefully. See the tags for answers).

So there you have my little blurb. It basically boils down to this: While you have the ability to acquire, practice, and manipulate any written voice, bare in mind its consequences. If you type like an idiot, that's what people will think you are. If you type like a cowboy, that's what people will think you are. If you type like baritone R&B singer, well, then people will just be all over your nuts.

Do the write thing,

Tapan Jones