Read You Like A Poster

The whistle's officially been blown on another Labor Day. Once again, Americans have their noses back to their respective grindstones, and they're smelling the hell out of employment.

Outside of notable fashion changes, Labor Day also signals the end to summer vacation. Many of our readers have completed their undergraduate education, and were it not for the fact that a bunch of wiener kids are no longer running around at our favorite stores and mini golf courses, we would have forgotten about school altogether. So, yes, it is true -- the Nationwide school tour is officially back in season.

With millions of people now adhering to the rigid command of a ringing bell, our youth are taking upon many more responsibilities. As the annual traditions dictate: they must once again bring in sweeping revenues for their institution via sporting events and bake sales, flirt with each other next to lockers when no one is looking, and of course, start hitting the books.

Contrary to what the idiom would have you believe, this book beating occurs much more often at your local library rather than at a Rocky II style Italian boxing gymnasium.

Boxer: Yeah...with punches!

How do I know this? Well I've been spending a lot of time at local libraries lately. I tell myself it's so that I can have a quiet place to study, read, and take in literary culture, but mostly it's to scout the hot librarian talent. Some of these 50 plus women have got it goin' on.

Aside from candidates for a well read divorcée, the library has shown me a lot of other things. For example, did you know that the "shhh" was first spoken at a public library? (I don't think that's true, but doesn't it just (quietly) sound right?). Also, I've learned that hard cover books are wonderful for building a fort, while soft cover books work great as personal fans, pillows, or even kindling -- not that I'm for book burning, but Dickens taught me to want smores.

I have found, however, something unsettling in my expeditions.

Every library has its own decorative motif, this much is undeniable. A change in wallpaper, the alignment of shelves, and carpet color are all contributing factors to making the inside of a library unique. Yet they all have something in common: the READ posters.

Oh yes, you know the ones. Pictures of your favorite celebrity, a book, and the word "read" written in giant capital letters.

The discovery I've made on these motivational posters is pretty clear: Almost no one is reading. The people are just showcasing their talents, and making it fairly obvious that reading is not the reason why they got there. Most of the time they're just holding a closed book to their bodies.

Observe:

Must be reading a Manual

Burn rubber, not books

and my personal favorite

"This couch goes so well with my skin tone"

He has no idea the book is there.

So I took my little dilemma over to the Sometimes Workshop, and asked the trusted artist of all our posts, Tom Glass, whether or not he could draw me up a READ poster with a beloved celebrity reading.

Baby, baby, baaaaaaby books

Even though these posters don't exactly show the benefits of reading, I really hope the American Library Association continues to make them. Let's be real, these things are a welcomed break from memorizing soon-to-be-forgotten test material.

As long as they don't harm anyone, they're okay in my book,

Tapan Jones

Not Around the Mamas and the Papas

Out on the town last weekend, I found myself in a March-madness inspired quarters tournament in a bar. It was supposed to be a co-ed team event, so my friend Sean – secure enough in his manliness – volunteered to claim “the girl spot.” Naturally, an ass-whooping of the opposite teams ensued. I mean, you’re talking about a partnership where both teammates are Naperville North All Guys Gym alums.

After using intimidation and skill, we advanced to the Final Four, only to be eliminated on a miscalculation. Being in a fairly conservative voting town, we decided against a 2000-inspired recount, and went on with our heads held high.

Leaving the establishment, I thought to myself, "Man, it sure would be nice to be able to drink away my tournament sorrows in the comfort of my own home." This, however, was an impossibility. You see, my home is also my parents' home. I guess technically it's not my home at all, but they allow me to live there and eat their food, so I take advantage of the situation.

Not being too far removed from home life, many of you may have certain house rules that you are by no means allowed to break. These are things your parents just don't want to see you doing. Think the total opposite of "Viva La Bam." One of those things at the Jones' home is that you don't drink in the house, end of discussion.

Enter real point of blog post after hooking introductory story. I realize that there are things that all the Tapan Jones Sr.'s don't want to see us do, but I don't know if they realize that we've been taking preventive measures all of our lives to stay out of awkward situations with out parents. Things such as... dot dot dot...

1) Watching a Movie with a Sex Scene In It
Some of you who know me well are aware that I like to get down with some high-class cinema (that last sentence shouldn't be interpreted as my having some love for pornography with increased production value, but honestly, that whole industry is just making strides. Good for you guys!). I'm all about films that can be analyzed with great scrutiny. Often times, these films deal with mature subject matter, which may or may not involve sex scenes.

Now if I know there's a sex scene in a movie, I don't care if it's fuckin' Citizen's Kane (get it?), there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to watch that movie with my parents. It would be like volunteering to be in that scene from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls where the knife and fork are being scratched along the bottom of the dinner plate. Terrifying.

I swear you guys, I thought the original sin was gluttony.

If I don't know there's a sex scene in a movie, and we see it together, I don't care if I'm 21 or 69, I'll still have to fake the whole looking away, or pretending to text, or whatever, when Kate Winslet takes her clothes off...again (by the way, mark my words, old Kate Winslet is gonna be the new Helen Mirren. So hot).


2) Talking to a Girl You Like on the Phone
Now I know what many of you are saying. This whole practice of trying to hide a girl you like from your family has been outgrown, and so what if she's a lady of the evening? Well in this case, I refer you all to my co-blogger, Mike Bogart. When asked about his phone habits with the ladies, all the members of his family will point you in the direction of the bathroom. Why is that? It is because that's where he finds telephone sanctuary away from his parents. The man literally walks out of the (fill in the blank) room and into the bathroom.

Finally makes sense why these were invented, right?

But really, aren't we all just secretly terrified we'll slip into our impress-a-girl mode, and start spewing horrific cutesy talk, questions about the other's attire, and an endless argument of "No you hang up!!"? I think doing any of these things in front of your parents wipes away decades of work that they did to raise you like a person with a certain sense of pride and authority.

Now, there is one last thing that I think many of us have a tough time doing in front of our parents...

3) Walking Past Victoria's Secret in the Mall
This one is the ultimate test. Our moms have an inbuilt desire to buy us clothes, and dress us according to plan. It's all they've ever wanted to do. This noble, sometimes creepy motivation does require some interaction on the part of the offspring in question.

Seeing that clothes need to be tried on and fitted, it is not unlikely that at some point in time, you were walking through the mall with your mom, and you spotted the pink, white, and black-colored store coming up to the right. Maybe it was the vivid colors, maybe it was the loud music, or maybe it was the large breasts, but all I know is, you all did everything in your power to sneak a peek without getting busted.

I know this is everything I've ever wanted in my life, but I must look away.

You definitely did not want your mom looking to find you ogling those super models, because then you'd be in for the worst afternoon at Kohl's in your life.

The worst thing ever though? When your mom says, "Oh wait, I need to look in here." For one tiny, infinitesimal moment, you're overjoyed that you can look at the displays without fear of being caught. But that's immediately followed by a quick thought, and an, "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."

There have been points in my life in which I literally chose to sit at that little glass wall protecting me from falling into the food court while my mom shopped at that place. And I know some of you did it, too.

So the next time you think of things you can't do at home, just remember, someday you'll get to torture your kids in socially uncomfortable situations.

Word to Your Mother,
Tapan Jones

p.s. comment on your awkward parent-involved situations!