Shake Ya Brass, Watch Ya Self

When I look at a girl playing a tuba, I think to myself, "Wow. She must have really big lungs." Big lungs are one of the Top 4 things I look for in a woman. And when I watch the same girl march with that brass behemoth buoyed on her belly, I think to myself, "Wow. She must have really strong pecs. I wonder how much that tuba weighs?"

But then I get to thinking, you know, what would happen if she stepped on some uneven pavement, and she fell with the tuba and got stuck inside it? That probably wouldn't be very sexy at all. Probably just really noisy, actually. I'd have to leave the parade because it would hurt my ears--the girl struggling to free herself from the tuba, I mean.

When you stop to think about it, there are a lot of instruments that are much more arousing than tubas, and much more than you probably (hopefully) realized. So without further ado...

THE TROMBONE(R)

...Leon Phelps?

If you've never been aroused by a trombone, I just don't know what to tell you. It's really obvious. First of all, what heavenly music they make! A little slice of heaven. Second, you're obviously blowing into the thing, and you're sliding that big metal piece back and forth like you're Charlie Sheen or something.

THE SAXOPHONE

Explanation needed? Probably.

Besides sounding like sexophone, the saxophone is the tried-and-true staple instrument for smooth jazz-seducers. It actually even looks kind of sexy. I mean, you could do worse, if you were so inclined.

THE PLASMAPHONE

Oooooo.... hot.

Look at this thing. I have no idea what the hell it does or how the hell it works, but I know that I'd be terrified of anyone evil enough to play it. I bet Criss Angel 's really good.

THE GLASS HARMONICA

You better believe Ben Franklin knows how to play the Glass Harmonica.

You play it by wetting your fingers and rubbing them over the glass. No, really.

THE KEYTAR

Pure Sex.

No other instrument so deftly combines the intimacy and warmth of a piano solo with the crotch-grabbing and spandex of hair metal in such a mobile package. Turn to the keytar if the object of your desire has a great affinity for horribly, horribly unattractive people.

On a funnier note, I'm sure you've all noticed the sweet new banner up top by now. A big thank you to Tom Glass for putting that together for us. If you'll kindly notice, each letter is taken from a different Chicago-themed thing. We'll post the key to what's what in the comments. What a guy Tom is!

Love,
Mike