Time Waste Management

Putting things off; Is there anything less off putting? If there's one truth that high school, college, and daily life have taught me over the years, it's the joy in being a citizen of the Procrastination.

The Bill of Rights of said country (which will be done in a week, we swear) states that having a task at hand means having an opportunity to push that task back until about 2:30 a.m. the night before it's due.

Many say this sort of behavior is a perfect example of poor time management, but we here at The Sometimes believe that if you've managed to give yourself 3 and a half more weeks of watching Family Matters reruns, that's an accomplishment in and of itself.

Tom Glass Half Full. Finish Date: Someday

I remember being in high school and seeing the 2003 version of a tweet or status update in the form of my friend's AIM away message. It quipped, "Procrastination is like masturbation, in the end you're just screwing yourself."

This always validated my delay in work. Outside of Christine O'Donnell, I've found that nearly everyone, everywhere thinks very highly of the self-act that shall not speak its name. I always thought that away message was a pro-"pro" statement. Turns out my friend was a square.

Lately, when shifting my attention away from anything that needs doing, I've turned it towards something much, much more intellectually satisfying. And cute.

Angry Birds.

Before I even get into the details of what exactly A.B. is, let me issue a request. For any of you that have an iP(__) with a touch screen, or if you own a Droid phone, make sure to find your way over to the ole' app shop, and snag this game up right now.

Alright, let's talk about the birds and the pigs. Angry Birds is a delightfully charming game in which you control a pack of - you guessed it - birds. These birds, scientific name launchus atthepiggies, have a temper because a bunch of damn dirty swine have stolen their eggs. So, being the victims of theft, the birds react by channeling their inner Kevin Bacon (in Death Sentence) and seek vengeance. They proceed to hurl themselves, via slingshot, at all the ham they can find in the most point scoring manner possible.

Ivan Drago means business

Counting Angry Birds and the recently released Angry Birds Halloween, there are 240 creative and challenging levels at the disposal of anyone looking for a simple way to pass the time.

What this means is that in my quest not to focus on important matters, I've been spending all of my time focused. Angry Birds is a cruel and sexy mistress that tempts you during t.v. commercials, while waiting for a haircut, and especially in line at Subway. Luckily, this mistress won't threaten to tell to your wife everything, or throw a tantrum in the middle of a restaurant because you never take her out anywhere nice...or prior to 11 o'clock.

But the best thing about this game is that, unlike LeBron's ego, it has an end. All the levels can be completed, and you can even go through doing the 3-star challenge and still find yourself satisfied when it's all over. Think of it like the Bible -- once you get through it, it's time to preach the word. Which is pretty much what I'm doing right now.

Really gives a new meaning to "tablet" computers, huh?

If games don't strike your fancy, there are many other ways to delay the inevitable assignments in life:

1) Get in the habit of watching YouTube clips you never thought you'd see. There's always that little pudgy kid who lip-syncs covers of pop songs, or clips of The Rock during his historic years inside the squared circle. Those will pass 20 minutes, easy.

2) .......I was going to finish this list, but I started watching old Jordan highlights. Man, that guy was special.

So with exam season in the air and jobs that need projects done, we hope we've played an important role today. Meaning, we hope you read this while you were supposed to be doing something much more important. Whether you were or you weren't, sorry, but we cannot give you back the last 3 minutes of your life.

Now it's time for you to go forth and delay some more. And remember, if it's not due tomorrow, you've got plenty of time. That goes for all you pregnant ladies, too.

Here's to screwing yourself,

Tapan Jones

[Art, as always, by Thomas Glass Jr.]

Click to maximize the pictures!

P.S. comment on what you do to procrastinate, and the best one will receive a buck from yours truly.

The Bible: This Summer, Say. Your. Prayers.

So the other day I was sitting around my bedchambers reading a Sonic the Hedgehog comic book. Sonic and Tails were spinning their body parts really fast and rolling around on the ground, so it was a pretty good episode. Then, my grandma sent me an email whose subject line was "Weird Walking Cow," so obviously I opened it. That's right up my alley. It was a picture of a cow that was walking weird, so I was pretty satisfied with that day overall and I went to bed.

In bed, though, I got to thinking. How was God smart enough to make spinning hedgehogs and helicoptering foxes and weird-walking cows all on the same day? That would take me at least three days minimum. God must be at least three times smarter than me, and that's saying something. Later, I got to thinking about how God totally flooded the entire Earth when He got pissed, when the best I can do is flood my own bathroom, and that's never on purpose. All in all, I thought, God is a lot cooler than me.

The next day, my grandma sent me an email whose subject line was "Just Saying Hello," and inside it had pictures of cats hugging and rabbits saying hello to one another. I feel like God did that kind of thing for Adam and Eve all the time, always checking in on them and sending them emails with pictures of animal companions and whatnot. I learned in a class once that I should never bury the lede, and I'm sure God could tell me what that meant because He must know everything if He can make cats hug each other one minute and murder the first-born son of every Egyptian the next.

In a lot of ways, God is just like Bruce Willis. Sometimes, He's more Harry Stamper from Armageddon--the devoted father willing to take one for Earth. Other times, He goes into McClane mode and explodes entire cities that tick him off. Still other times, when he's in his Jesus form, he's a lot like Dr. Malcolm Crowe because he has unfinished business beyond the grave. And finally, sometimes you're a little confused about God, like you are about Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski. He says nice things and seems charming as hell, but then something like the Crusades happens and all of a sudden Richard the Lion-Hearted is Matthew Perry, and who needs friends in a holy war.

Anyways, all that IMDB'ing took quite a long time. I needed to process everything, so I took a leisurely tea and toast in the drawing room and weighed my options. I finally realized what I'd been missing all along, the most important thought I've ever had: the Bible would be the greatest action movie of all time.

And on the 8th day, God KICKED ASS!!1

If you've never read the Bible, let me set it up for you here. Starring God in Act 1 and Jesus in Act 2, the Bible follows the story of one lonely diety out to prove the universe wrong. He believes that biological life can handle the gift of rational thought; a gift that he's all too ready to bestow upon it. With a dream in his heart and hope in his eyes, God creates Adam and Eve, the first rational animals. With his loving guidance, Adam and Eve will procreate and populate the world with friends to keep God company. But wait. Eve eats an apple, humans fall from grace, and God. Is. Pissed.

The Bible, starring Bruce Willis as God, Jean Claude Van Damme as Jesus, Lucy Lawless as Mary Magdalene, and Keanu Reeves as Satan (also featuring Jackie Chan as Moses, Carl Weathers as Abraham, and Chris Tucker as Detective James Carter), is the greatest story ever told. Equal parts love tale, explosive thriller, and raucous buddy film, it follows the story of God's vicious vengeance on humankind, and the only man who can stop it: Jesus. With his busty lady at his side, Jesus teams up with Moses and Abraham to win God's love back, one high-speed dune buggy chase at a time. The trio travels far and wide, spreading God's word with their insane ATV jumps and feats of strength. Finally, God is appeased. But Jesus' work isn't over yet, because Satan just showed up to town, and he's casually upset I think.

Jesus: He's got the girl, he's got the tools, and now he's got the Big Man on his side.

It's the original Old West Side showdown in the Old East. Jesus, Moses, and Abraham facing off against Satan and his legion of the damned:

Only Officer Krupke can stop this!

Yes, that is Van Damme in black face as Jesus (it's true), Carl Weathers in white face as Abraham (Lincoln), and Jackie Chan in old face as Moses (disguised as Ronald Reagan).

The war rages up and down the Holy Land, and many minions on both sides go down one-by-one, despite having their target surrounded on all sides. Many people walk away in slow motion while fuel tankers explode in the road behind them. Many pistols run out of bullets at precisely the wrong time.

Abraham and Jesus both tear their shirts off in contempt of Satan's poor acting. Rondo slaps Moses in the face and draws blood but still the refs don't call it. The tides are turning in Satan's favor: The Good Guys should have known. Satan and his legion were too powerful, too vile, and stroking far too many cats on their laps. It was going to take a superhuman, a God, to beat Satan. That's where God comes in.

Late one night, when Jesus, Moses, and Abraham are praying before battle the next day, God answers. He descends the escalator to Heaven, but he won't walk the steps, which is annoying. Anyways, God outfits each prophet with his secret weapon: a lightsaber. The next day, Satan's forces are slashed to pieces and forced to retreat back to Hell. Cornered into a dark room and badly injured, Satan says, "Jesus, I am your father."

"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world," Jesus says, "...of pain" (I John 4:4). With that, he slices Satan's head off, holds it above his own, and screams the sweet scream of victory.

Anyways, I think that would be a sweet movie.

Yours in Christ,

Mike