Wild Wild Midwest

The concept of Cowboys and Indians really confused the hell out of me as a kid. As many of you know, I’m an Indian man. While it is true that my people also got shot at by whitey, our whitey had an accent, sang songs about a bridge falling down, falling down, falling down, and consistently used sarcasm as a defense mechanism. So you can see why I didn’t realize that in America, people were also hating.

Once things got cleared up, and I started reading at a 3rd grade level at the very early age of 10, I found out the Cowboys were shooting up and jailing Indians of a different variety. Relieved, this news started a causal chain of thought. Here’s how it went (I’ll use the infinity sign for chain links):

Indians (heavily scented) ∞∞∞ Indians (depressive alcoholics) ∞∞∞ Cowboys ∞∞∞ Wild West ∞∞∞ Prostitutes ∞∞∞ Reasonable Prices ∞∞∞ The South ∞∞∞ Country Music Awards

Now don’t worry, I’m not here to make any claim that Indian people invented country music, but I mean, the proof is right up there. It’s math.

With this in mind, and a nonexistent acoustic guitar in hand, I realized something. If it’s in my lineage, doggone it, I am positive that I can write a country song. So without further ado, let’s make the magic happen.

Years of that 3rd grade observational skill, and the innate formula deriving ability of Indian people, have made picking out the ingredients in a country song very easy. Here’s what you need references to:
- A truck (the real American vehicle, I tell you what)
- Beer or whiskey (none of that “liberal pussy” shit)
- Freedom (these colors don’t run! (mostly because they’re colors, without feet))
- Being Cheated On (how could you Rose McCoy?! You were my sister!)
- The old days (when I was a high school football god)
- Your dog (preferably one named after an old love who cheated on you)

I realize that by posting these six criteria, I stand to lose the country industry a lot of money, because now everyone can make a song – right? Of course not! This is still music, and it requires a lot of heart, soul, dedication, and time. Speaking of doing things without any of those, this is an actual conversation I had with my fellow blog co-writer, posted verbatim.



mike: your dog
me: named betsy
mike: yeah
me: "ole betsy lou, she treats me right. never drinks, or steals, or fights. she's more of a buddy than a pup - hey bartender, fill this cup!"
mike: hahahah
me: "ole betsy lou. down by the riiiiiver. ole betsy lou, hangin out in my truck"
mike: absolutely
me: thats the whole song
i just wrote a country song
the first thing was verse 1, the second thing was the chorus
it's like mad libs with a very limited word bank

So there you have it folks, go forth on this Veteran’s Day (by the way, to any active or former people of duty, you have more balls than I have sarcasm – thank you guys very much), and make your country proud by putting on your favorite cowboy hat and shooting up some Indian lyrics.

Go ahead, make my day,
Tapan Jones