Time Waste Management

Putting things off; Is there anything less off putting? If there's one truth that high school, college, and daily life have taught me over the years, it's the joy in being a citizen of the Procrastination.

The Bill of Rights of said country (which will be done in a week, we swear) states that having a task at hand means having an opportunity to push that task back until about 2:30 a.m. the night before it's due.

Many say this sort of behavior is a perfect example of poor time management, but we here at The Sometimes believe that if you've managed to give yourself 3 and a half more weeks of watching Family Matters reruns, that's an accomplishment in and of itself.

Tom Glass Half Full. Finish Date: Someday

I remember being in high school and seeing the 2003 version of a tweet or status update in the form of my friend's AIM away message. It quipped, "Procrastination is like masturbation, in the end you're just screwing yourself."

This always validated my delay in work. Outside of Christine O'Donnell, I've found that nearly everyone, everywhere thinks very highly of the self-act that shall not speak its name. I always thought that away message was a pro-"pro" statement. Turns out my friend was a square.

Lately, when shifting my attention away from anything that needs doing, I've turned it towards something much, much more intellectually satisfying. And cute.

Angry Birds.

Before I even get into the details of what exactly A.B. is, let me issue a request. For any of you that have an iP(__) with a touch screen, or if you own a Droid phone, make sure to find your way over to the ole' app shop, and snag this game up right now.

Alright, let's talk about the birds and the pigs. Angry Birds is a delightfully charming game in which you control a pack of - you guessed it - birds. These birds, scientific name launchus atthepiggies, have a temper because a bunch of damn dirty swine have stolen their eggs. So, being the victims of theft, the birds react by channeling their inner Kevin Bacon (in Death Sentence) and seek vengeance. They proceed to hurl themselves, via slingshot, at all the ham they can find in the most point scoring manner possible.

Ivan Drago means business

Counting Angry Birds and the recently released Angry Birds Halloween, there are 240 creative and challenging levels at the disposal of anyone looking for a simple way to pass the time.

What this means is that in my quest not to focus on important matters, I've been spending all of my time focused. Angry Birds is a cruel and sexy mistress that tempts you during t.v. commercials, while waiting for a haircut, and especially in line at Subway. Luckily, this mistress won't threaten to tell to your wife everything, or throw a tantrum in the middle of a restaurant because you never take her out anywhere nice...or prior to 11 o'clock.

But the best thing about this game is that, unlike LeBron's ego, it has an end. All the levels can be completed, and you can even go through doing the 3-star challenge and still find yourself satisfied when it's all over. Think of it like the Bible -- once you get through it, it's time to preach the word. Which is pretty much what I'm doing right now.

Really gives a new meaning to "tablet" computers, huh?

If games don't strike your fancy, there are many other ways to delay the inevitable assignments in life:

1) Get in the habit of watching YouTube clips you never thought you'd see. There's always that little pudgy kid who lip-syncs covers of pop songs, or clips of The Rock during his historic years inside the squared circle. Those will pass 20 minutes, easy.

2) .......I was going to finish this list, but I started watching old Jordan highlights. Man, that guy was special.

So with exam season in the air and jobs that need projects done, we hope we've played an important role today. Meaning, we hope you read this while you were supposed to be doing something much more important. Whether you were or you weren't, sorry, but we cannot give you back the last 3 minutes of your life.

Now it's time for you to go forth and delay some more. And remember, if it's not due tomorrow, you've got plenty of time. That goes for all you pregnant ladies, too.

Here's to screwing yourself,

Tapan Jones

[Art, as always, by Thomas Glass Jr.]

Click to maximize the pictures!

P.S. comment on what you do to procrastinate, and the best one will receive a buck from yours truly.