Why the Long Underwear?

Our apologies for the delay. We were gone fishin'. If the topical jokes appear three weeks too late, it's because they are. Enjoy!

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Fashion stagnant would be an accurate way to describe my wardrobe. I very rarely embrace sweeping trends -- except for that one time that I just had to have those pink Uggs to match my Snuggie, and it wasn't like anyone was going to ridicule either of those decisions. I know the names Tom Ford and Oscar de la Renta not because of an intimate understanding of the biz, but rather because of well-to-do rap artists with a flair for lookin' "Marty Mc-"

My wheelhouse generally consists of a pair of dark jeans, a single colored shirt, and a zipper hoodie. This movie-extra ensemble can carry me through most of the year without major issue. Granted, this look doesn't exactly create an inescapable sexual paradise for women, but it keeps me happy and doesn't backtalk.

When it comes to supplements, women and black men accessorize more than anyone else on the planet. Contrary to popular belief, I belong to neither of those two groups, so I'll leave the accessories in someone else's foot locker. Although, I would love a red hat to go with my red shoes and red LRG shirt.

Someday...

The finale of ABC Family's 25 days of Christmas, coupled with the inability of my ultra-luxury '97 Buick LeSabre (pronouced le-sab-rah, I'm sure) to start, confirms that lose-ter is long over and winter has comfortably settled in. The time to step on a crunchy leaf has passed, and by now we've all got that Red Ryder BB Gun to shoot our eye out with. This newfound urge for violence is well complemented with some fresh attire. One specific type of clothing, really.

I'm talking, of course, about long underwear.

Turns white men into Shaft

Now before you fashionistas shoot me full of icy cold glares and a dangerous lack of appetite, hear me out. Long underwear is a wonderful addition to your dressers for a variety of reasons. If you'll just follow me this way...

A Midwestern winter is characterized by snow, wind, icicles, and anything else from the Academy Award winning motion picture Fargo. Yah, it's cold alright, you betcha. The warmth provided by this thermal wear is amazing. It's like a Brink's home security system for your body, keeping the comfort in and the carolers out. Also, get someone to punch in the right code and it too will come off. Now who's complaining?

No one, that's who. This does, however, bring up my second point. Many of you might be thinking aloud at your internet box, screaming profanities about the unattractiveness of a pair of long johns on a possible love partner. Fear not, for you may be forgetting a simple truth. Most long underwear is tight fitting. Tight fitting things show off a person's physique. This display and confidence in one's body are sure to drive your significant other so wild with passion that their lustful eyes will overlook the thatched pattern which has no doubt been pressed onto your skin.

Like the priest or Santa ever had a chance

A final, lesser known, advantage about long underwear is within the restrictive nature of the material. It's an auto diet, making someone consciously recognize their muffin top -- the part of your belly that hangs over and folds along your belt line. It also stops urges to continue eating for fear that your waistband will break up and go on to pursue misguided solo careers.

When this winter starts to get (even) colder, and you're at your neighborhood K-Mart shopping for the season's latest craze, be sure to mentally reference The Sometimes and our hearty endorsement for the best clothing candidate all year -- long underwear. It'll keep you warm, sexy, and in shape. Plus, you'll still be able to wear your Uggs.

Stay bundled my friends,

Tapan Jones

[Art, as always, by Thomas Glass Jr.]

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