Sometimes: You Gotta Roll The Dys

At this point in the year, whatever snow may fall will be sure to get the Raiders of the Lost Ark Nazi treatment by our old friend Mister Sun. With this in mind, people are free to leave the homes that protected them so in search of a more recreational life. Baseballs will be caught, pools will be swam in, and double scoop ice cream will seem like a rational idea again. Yes, it's true, the habitable Chicago months are almost here.

Life, circa tomorrow.

As many of us know, this kind of nice weather typically gives way to wheeled transport. People know that the ground now has a high enough coefficient of friction to support a lifestyle free of just walking and running. Take yourselves back to those PBS documentaries of the 90s. You know, the ones with the men and women bravely wearing striped white-and-red tank tops, roller blading in a park, riding their bikes through a forest, and driving their Cabriolets with reckless abandon, all while up-tempo half piano/half synth music serves as the score. There's no denying, this is a pretty great life.

Yet amidst all the wheeled tomfoolery, let us not forget our year round, chair bound brethren.

Sometimers, the wheelchair users of the world have sat idly by for too long - not even given the opportunity to twiddle their thumbs because their hands are too busy literally gripping the silver lining of their lives. To this I say, it's time for us to get inventive.

Too long has wheel chair technology been manual labor. Sure, some of you will say that we have electric wheelchairs with the joystick that makes the user feel like they're in the worst video game of all time. I agree, this is a step up, but the time has come for change. The real issue here? The wheelchair structure.

My crack team of English associates spent hours and hours laboring over what to do with this, when it finally dawned on us. Let's steal another Englishman's work!

I introduce to you: The Dyson Ball Wheelchair

(.....hold for iPad-like Apple-ause)....(good)

Oooooh. Ahhhhh. Eeeeee.

In the tradition of Imagineers worldwide, let me continue stealing from Dyson, by posting their description for their ball vacuum:

"The new Dyson upright machines ride on a ball so they turn on a dime - no more back and forth around corners and obstacles. Inside the ball is the motor, giving the machine a lower center of gravity and improving maneuverability even further."

Honestly, who in the hell would have thought that description wasn't for wheelchair technology?

Having seen the mock ups, let me tell you a little about what's hidden inside the ball that makes this chair so special. We're talking about a .57 L Hemi engine. If those truck commercials have taught me anything, it's that my walking replacement device will sell if I say the word Hemi.

Now some of you current chair owners might be thinking that the idea of filling your vehicle with gasoline is not only inconvenient, but downright dangerous, and you would be right to think that. Come on, what do you take me for, some kind of monster? But yes, you'll need to have some gas in there, you know, for that Hemi. Don't worry though, our machine gets 150 miles to the gallon, so you're good forever.

For all you Marvin the Martians out there (think Green) there will also be a battery powered, generator based model. Be forewarned, you will lose street cred among your peers.

This is it people, the future of what I want to start calling "wheeling." Can you imagine the joy you would feel not only seeing someone take a leaning right turn into the wide doors of a library, but in fact how sweet it would be to do it yourself?

That's right! Now the wheelchair-laden aren't the only ones who get to have all the fun. I see the Dyson-Jones Wheelchair (DJW) being as much of a recreational/convenient/versatile piece of art as WD-40 - which, incidentally, I'm sure is a staple in the wheelchair market.

The DJW would open up a new chapter in the storied history of wheelchair athletics. Street races, basketball, and curling would now become even more bad ass. This is something we can actualize, and perhaps even create an entirely separate Olympics around. How original of an idea is that!

The 200-meter dash just became a reality.

Together, we can all achieve a future a filled with yellow balls of which we are not scared to tell our significant others, but rather proud of.

And don't worry, the ad campaign will prominently revolve around the 2001 chart topper Roll Out (My Business).

Keep it wheel,

Tapan Jones

P.S. - Also, we have a new game for you guys. In all of our illustrations, the initials "TG," for our acclaimed illustrator Thomas Glass, Jr., will be hidden somewhere. If you can find them, post your answers in the comments. Jonescrest, out.