So the other day I was sitting around my bedchambers reading a Sonic the Hedgehog comic book. Sonic and Tails were spinning their body parts really fast and rolling around on the ground, so it was a pretty good episode. Then, my grandma sent me an email whose subject line was "Weird Walking Cow," so obviously I opened it. That's right up my alley. It was a picture of a cow that was walking weird, so I was pretty satisfied with that day overall and I went to bed.
In bed, though, I got to thinking. How was God smart enough to make spinning hedgehogs and helicoptering foxes and weird-walking cows all on the same day? That would take me at least three days minimum. God must be at least three times smarter than me, and that's saying something. Later, I got to thinking about how God totally flooded the entire Earth when He got pissed, when the best I can do is flood my own bathroom, and that's never on purpose. All in all, I thought, God is a lot cooler than me.
The next day, my grandma sent me an email whose subject line was "Just Saying Hello," and inside it had pictures of cats hugging and rabbits saying hello to one another. I feel like God did that kind of thing for Adam and Eve all the time, always checking in on them and sending them emails with pictures of animal companions and whatnot. I learned in a class once that I should never bury the lede, and I'm sure God could tell me what that meant because He must know everything if He can make cats hug each other one minute and murder the first-born son of every Egyptian the next.
In a lot of ways, God is just like Bruce Willis. Sometimes, He's more Harry Stamper from Armageddon--the devoted father willing to take one for Earth. Other times, He goes into McClane mode and explodes entire cities that tick him off. Still other times, when he's in his Jesus form, he's a lot like Dr. Malcolm Crowe because he has unfinished business beyond the grave. And finally, sometimes you're a little confused about God, like you are about Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski. He says nice things and seems charming as hell, but then something like the Crusades happens and all of a sudden Richard the Lion-Hearted is Matthew Perry, and who needs friends in a holy war.
Anyways, all that IMDB'ing took quite a long time. I needed to process everything, so I took a leisurely tea and toast in the drawing room and weighed my options. I finally realized what I'd been missing all along, the most important thought I've ever had: the Bible would be the greatest action movie of all time.
And on the 8th day, God KICKED ASS!!1
If you've never read the Bible, let me set it up for you here. Starring God in Act 1 and Jesus in Act 2, the Bible follows the story of one lonely diety out to prove the universe wrong. He believes that biological life can handle the gift of rational thought; a gift that he's all too ready to bestow upon it. With a dream in his heart and hope in his eyes, God creates Adam and Eve, the first rational animals. With his loving guidance, Adam and Eve will procreate and populate the world with friends to keep God company. But wait. Eve eats an apple, humans fall from grace, and God. Is. Pissed.
The Bible, starring Bruce Willis as God, Jean Claude Van Damme as Jesus, Lucy Lawless as Mary Magdalene, and Keanu Reeves as Satan (also featuring Jackie Chan as Moses, Carl Weathers as Abraham, and Chris Tucker as Detective James Carter), is the greatest story ever told. Equal parts love tale, explosive thriller, and raucous buddy film, it follows the story of God's vicious vengeance on humankind, and the only man who can stop it: Jesus. With his busty lady at his side, Jesus teams up with Moses and Abraham to win God's love back, one high-speed dune buggy chase at a time. The trio travels far and wide, spreading God's word with their insane ATV jumps and feats of strength. Finally, God is appeased. But Jesus' work isn't over yet, because Satan just showed up to town, and he's casually upset I think.
Jesus: He's got the girl, he's got the tools, and now he's got the Big Man on his side.
It's the original Old West Side showdown in the Old East. Jesus, Moses, and Abraham facing off against Satan and his legion of the damned:
Only Officer Krupke can stop this!
Yes, that is Van Damme in black face as Jesus (it's true), Carl Weathers in white face as Abraham (Lincoln), and Jackie Chan in old face as Moses (disguised as Ronald Reagan).
The war rages up and down the Holy Land, and many minions on both sides go down one-by-one, despite having their target surrounded on all sides. Many people walk away in slow motion while fuel tankers explode in the road behind them. Many pistols run out of bullets at precisely the wrong time.
Abraham and Jesus both tear their shirts off in contempt of Satan's poor acting. Rondo slaps Moses in the face and draws blood but still the refs don't call it. The tides are turning in Satan's favor: The Good Guys should have known. Satan and his legion were too powerful, too vile, and stroking far too many cats on their laps. It was going to take a superhuman, a God, to beat Satan. That's where God comes in.
Late one night, when Jesus, Moses, and Abraham are praying before battle the next day, God answers. He descends the escalator to Heaven, but he won't walk the steps, which is annoying. Anyways, God outfits each prophet with his secret weapon: a lightsaber. The next day, Satan's forces are slashed to pieces and forced to retreat back to Hell. Cornered into a dark room and badly injured, Satan says, "Jesus, I am your father."
"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world," Jesus says, "...of pain" (I John 4:4). With that, he slices Satan's head off, holds it above his own, and screams the sweet scream of victory.
Anyways, I think that would be a sweet movie.
Yours in Christ,
Mike
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