Fireside Gchats: An Act of Dog

In today's edition of "Fireside Gchats," the Sometimes gang is inspired by the annual tradition of ranking art as "Best," known as the Oscars. What happens when three authorities on the matter weigh in creatively, while sending a high volume of image links back and forth? Let's star wipe and find out.

★★★★★

Tapan Jones:

unrelated, what color do you want me to paint your coffin

i was going to go with powder blue with racing flames

mike b:

i would like this one please

http://tinyurl.com/l2mldep

The KISS of death

just prop my body up next to it with some shades on

i'll be holding a little butler tray and people can grab a tall, cool budweiser from me

Afterlife of the party

Tapan Jones:

http://tinyurl.com/kheh2c4

Shade back

mike b:

that movie is fucking funny

i don't care what nobody says

Tapan Jones:

i'm going to make a really serious drama

Weekend at Bernice

http://www.bernicela.org/ [Readers: a link to the official homepage of Bernice, Lousiana]

mike b:

how much gator wrestling will there be in the movie

and 2) how will you get enough fat actors

Tapan Jones:

none, meryl streep demanded as much

2) i'm going to use a technology pioneered in The Klumps

mike b:

dude look at the third picture down on that page lolol

it's just an out of focus picture of a shitty dog track

Tapan Jones:

that's going to be a symbol of chasing failed dreams

in my film

mike b:

hey, there's an idea

who does meryl streep play

Tapan Jones:

and it will end with, "i'm just doggone tired, walter. i'm just dog-gone-tired"

and it'll be clear meryl was talking about the hole in her heart when the family dog, jefferson, ran away

mike b:

jesus christ

Tapan Jones:

see answer to question 2 above. in order to really embrace the teachings of the auteur eddie murphy, she'll have to play everyone

it'll make the sex scene...interesting

mike b:

your movie

is meryl streep

in fat suits

playing a greyhound trainer + every other person in the movie

and it's called Weekend at Bernice

"This awards season, experience a chilling look at the ruff life of small town Louisiana"

Tapan Jones:

i know, i know, i might as well call it "oscar lock"

the hardest part will be working in the line

from her body builder brother, who will be representing the city in small time competitions

mike b:

just to be clear, meryl streep is playing a male body builder

Tapan Jones:

he'll have to say, somehow naturally, "once they get a look at these Bernice Pythons (points to biceps), they'll have to send me to nationals"

mike b:

wait a minute

Bernice is pronounced burr nice?

Tapan Jones:

of course not

burrnese

mike b:

why does he call them Bernice Pythons

burmese pythons?

Tapan Jones:

yes

exactly

that's the clever writing

it's where you learn that he paid attention in geography class

which is a key plot point, because it shows a transition period in his life between being locked in to just bernice and thinking about the rest of the world

i know sometimes writing this highbrow can isolate viewers

but it's for the good of art

you can't spell Greatness without using the same letters in the word "Art"

remember that, mike. in your writing, and in life

also, remember how i told you everything exists on the internet

you're going to want to ready yourself

http://tinyurl.com/p5cf2o3

So dedicated to method, she even grew out her hair

mike b:

is that meryl streep's face

Tapan Jones:

she just disappears into her roles

that's what she sent me when i asked if she was willing to tackle this role

i swear, that woman is so committed to her craft, she wanted to play the dog

http://tinyurl.com/p34rwwr

Talent is the leasht of her worries

mike b:

[Readers: Mike finally inserts a delayed, but relevant, link. By the time of this post, YouTube took down the video altogether. What a fun parallel]

that took for fucking ever, i hope you appreaciate it

*appreciate

Tapan Jones:

good research, but i found a god damned picture of a dog in meryl streep's acting chair

that is an all-time relevant link

mike b:

hahaha

Tapan Jones:

so the KISS coffin, then?

mike b:

http://tinyurl.com/ph5962m

Alternate title: Being Glibya

Tapan Jones:

(solid link, but timing is important to relevance)

mike b:

yeah the kiss one

DONT TELL ME HOW TO LINK

Tapan Jones:

i can't wait to put you in the ground

The Subcontinental Sandwich

People say a lot of things about sleep. They talk about how it's for the weak, how 8 hours is ideal, and even how Santa knows about when it's happening. Yes, the land over yawnder has been thoroughly discussed among human-folk.

From early childhood, your parents prepped your sleep schedule so that you could catch the early morning yellow rocket to school, and also because they didn't want you staying up too late watching the latest tales of romance and intrigue on Cinemax. They did it for your own good. You simply weren't mature enough to understand the nuances of a performance in Julie & Julia & Juan: Jest Get it On.

These actions made it so that you would be able to function in a normal society, where 9-5 reigns supreme. Or at least, that's what we were led to believe.

You see, the real reason we've all had to get up early our whole lives was because our parents were grooming us. For what, you ask? The 6:30 AM World Cup 2010 matches. Duh!

As of the 21st of June, all you South Koreans, Greeks, Algerians, Slovenians, Dutch, Danish, New Zealanders, Slovakians, Hondurans, Chileans, Argentinians, Serbians, Germans, Japanese, Paraguayans, Portuguese, and North Koreans know what I'm talking about.

I don't know about the rest of you, but for nearly two weeks now, my alarm clock has been set to Vuvuzela. What's more fun than watching football the second you wake up? Eating ice cream while watching football the second you wake up, that's what.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Aldrin

In all these matches, though, beyond the sheer talent of the players, the Chinese women's Olympic caliber diving, and hot foreign broads, there is something I've noticed.

Brazil's attire. For those of you new to the beautiful game, Brazil is known for their bright yellow jerseys - which, incidentally, is the color that they turn all of their opponents shorts into by the end of a game. These jerseys are reflective not only of sunlight, but also the attitude the nation has for playing the sport with energy, smiles, and stamina. And probably also for hiding pit stains. No one wants those.

But anyway, there's a green trim around the collar, the end of the short sleeves, and the bottom of the shirt. Having never seen a world cup in HD, I had always missed out on the crispness of the colors. I thought to myself, in this order, "crispness of colors. green trim. crisp green. lettuce....hey wait a minute!"

And there it was. Brazil's jerseys are totally using Subway's color scheme.

Don't you see? The energy, the smiles, the incredible fitness level. All the signs point to 5 dollar footballs.

The resemblance to Jared is striking

Soccer clubs around the world are known for slapping endorsements all over their players' unis, and it's not something you ever see internationally. So Jared had to go above and beyond, and play his cards close to his depleted grilled chicken breasts in order to pull off the greatest subliminal ad of all time.

This isn't such a bad thing, though. Without any sort of secret urging at the hands of the Patels that run America's Subway and Dunkin' industry, let me say, that Subway is pretty great stuff, and as far as fast food goes, we could all do a lot worse to our doubled down bodies.

So the next time you're watching Joga Bonita hard at play, go ahead and enjoy a Subway sandwich. It's not like you're supporting B.P.'s colors or anything.

....!

Tapan Jones

p.s. Yep, we know Ronaldinho isn't on the squad, but surely, the man must eat. I mean look at those chompers.