Y, O, Y Q-Tips?

For the first time in nearly 3 years, last Thursday, I went for a swim. The water was warm, and the old Chinese ladies at the Bally's pool mostly kept to themselves. They did make fun of my crotch air bubble at one point, but I doggy paddled it off.

The reason I bring up my trip under water is because of the effect it had on the rest of my weekend. For nearly 3 straight days I was handicapped. For the record, I would have parked in those extra cushy spots, but the government didn't process my rear view tags quickly enough. That's bureaucracy for you.

My time in the pool had caused me to go completely left-ear deaf. As a result, I couldn't hear my driver ask me "where to Sir?", nor could I make my usual lefty calls when I didn't think something warranted a righty call.

On the advice of several non-medical professionals, I tried to fix this problem by: creating a plunger with my palm over my ear and forcing the water out, tugging on my earlobe for 20 seconds, and even spending the entire day with my head tilted to the left so that, and I quote, "gravity would take over."

Finally I decided to consult Dr. Internet, and this is when my disability turned to frustration and rage.

The only concrete, consistent advice I could find was: DO NOT USE A Q-TIP!!! It will push the earwax back even further into your ear!!

Here I ask the question that's been on a lot of our minds for a while. What the fuck is a Q-Tip actually good for?

Our whole lives we've been told that this ear canal-sized, dual cotton-edged, mini saber should never be inserted into our auditory receptors. That it would cause a tear in our ear drums, which most of us visualize as such:

Bruised and broken...from this ear on collision

As far as the Q-tip is concerned, I have no idea how to use it. If I use it as a wiping tool, it'll leave little cotton bits everywhere. If I use it as a .... I've honestly already run out of ideas. There's nothing that it's good for, except to be doused in after shave so I can clean out my old Nintendo cartridges. It does a good job of letting me play Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! again, but it's nothing that a t-shirt and a lot of my breath couldn't do.

That band-aid on the knee? Rug burn, caused by imitating Contra

So am I telling you that the only "allowed" use for Q-tips is to clean NES games? Well unless you can come up with something else, then yes, yes I am.

I'm sure the makers of Q-Tips are sitting in their back rooms, laughing, hearing with full capacity because they've never used their own product. To them, and to the rest of you, I say, either come up with a better use, or just go ahead and put the fuckin' thing in your ear. There's nothing that's going to top that convenience.

Ya heard?

Tapan Jones

p.s. comment on some other Q-tip uses, plskthx!